Sun 24 Mar 2002 10:10
also, I have a sort of quiet, intellectual energy much of the time. I think she might value, relationshipwise, more of a vibrant, passionate, even frivolous dancer, like she often is. I'm not sure I want to be quiet, intellectual much of the time, and quite possibly I'm not. But I wish this possibility to be considered and then tossed away, or not.
















I see that g d is with you,


















She does have that hardness I want--but I didn't know-
I should have, but I needed to see it expressed towards me

.

Sat 23 Mar 2002 12:52
zope settings are in registry--search for key 'ea1' its under services. now we're running port 81 for webdav source.
.

Sat 23 Mar 2002 09:54
o my god we're back again(?) bow, bow, bow bow-- backstreet boyz
since it's the weekend now, I can use my cell phone a lot.
I had a heart-to-silicon conversation with joanna's voicemail system. It was good to get some things off my mind. Now instead of writing things here (with respect to what happened), I could, concievably just leave her a message. I don't wish to annoy her however. It's seeming that I'm for the most part well, thanks to those recent conversations with voicemail. In otherwords, life, and my mind, seems back to normal. Like it was before I had more than one friend here. I'm still not sure what exactly to make of calling and spending time with people like Beverly, Carmen, Peter, and ????, but at times it's very nice to do. But as you can tell, I don't have much to say to other people on the phone or in person, because I have such a rich and fulfilling relationship with my computer. And by extension the global mind, everyone I have ever known, and many entities I will never know.

Oh, it has occurred to me - that, well, I'm no longer assuming that Joanna's all right. and perhaps I can see how my ending her (perceived as accidental) call, could be perceived as a terrible thing. My experience with cell phones is that calls to occasionally end unexpectedly and if one wants to continue the call, one calls back. Which is why I'm no longer assuming (see above)... or .. well, I think I'm out of things to say/think about this. It was interesting how on the first message I left--I had spent more time thinking about this almost since I got up, yet, of course I say none of what I thought about--I said, "it has not been pleasant to go from hearing from you quite often, to not at all in such a short time" and some other things. The interest is in the use of "not pleasant", since immediately afterward I shouted to the freezing breeze, "Not pleasant? Horrible! Horrid! Tragic!" I didn't have my voice recorder turned on, but that is the basic idea.

No it's not lost on me that there are many things I could do and say to make me easier to have a relationship with, but at this point (contrary to the amount of time I seem to spend thinking about it) that is not my primary concern. I am still at the point where if I have to change and put on a show too much, the relationship is not valuable to me. If people can appreciate me as I am--or perhaps (maybe even better) wish I would change/develop in ways that I would value changing, that will also work.  

Ileen/Eilene(?) is a woman--no, perhaps she's a transsexual. Much work has yet to be done at deconstructing dualistic gender. Ilean swims fast. She shows up on the weekends. I can swim faster than her, but that requires a lot of effort, so I don't always. Besides me, she is the fastest person who swims at riverbank state park in the mornings. I like it when she comes because she motivates me to swim fast. During the week, she does her hardest workouts--running--between 0430 and 0600. She works at 0630 doing financial analysis. She used to live in San Francisco and has been in NYC for 5 years. She says it can be a hard city to live in. I did not say anything to that--it does not seem harder to live in than other cities, and for me, perhaps easier. Seriously though eyelene is a woman, looks womanly, is attractive, and obviously very motivated, vital, successful (more so than myself following GAAP [generally accepted accounting practices]--which since a certain recent financial debacle are very much suspect, though the basic concept is good, and yeah, I'd say she's more vital, more fit, and more healthy than myself). Robin is a fast swimmer who used to come often, and who is of the more masculine--large, broad shouldered type--but she probably does not have Ilene's endurance. Ilene goes to bed around 0900, though earlier if she can--falling asleep is never a problem for her, presumably because she works out so hard. She says its sort of a tough way of life here, compared to San Francisco, but the longer she's here the more she finds triathalons/duathalons etc, that she enjoys. (I believe that's what she said). Her bathing suit is in my memory as having a pinnk and yellow flower design--quite a nice change from the typical suit. She goes on long runs-12 to 16 miles in central park on the bridal trail (she does not like to run on pavement). Possibly I might try to stay with her for part of one of those runs. One of the earlier times I saw her swimming, she gave the appearance of being someone I would not want to talk to... yet I had already met her and liked her--I thought she was a different person, until I saw her later with her goggles off, perhaps.

She really has a nice young smile--I would say girlish--but that doesn't quite catch it though is very close--she doesn't seem to be all spring steel and rawhide like some of those women athletes in Monterey--I've not examined her closely but her muscles don't seem to stand out noticeably as they do on a body with hardly any fat, which is what I might expect upon hearing about her regimen.

For my part, I talked about wanting to develop a movement practice--like tai chi--that I could do on my own that would give me the good feelings of a dance class but without all the hassle and dependence on others and their circumstances. I also told her about Ken Wilber's book _Grace and Grit_, and what I thought makes it special.

It is certainly possible she is my age--though her financial situation could be vastly different--since it sounds like she could have gone to a high-powered school and then gotten one of those finance jobs after graduation, five years ago. I feel younger, because she projects a feeling of more drive and of more accomplishment.

So, perhaps one sunday I will attempt to hang with her for part of one of her "regenerative" (slow, to recover) runs. Though I don't usually like to make my running social (I like to go as slow as I want and not talk), I can use physical social events to get me to come out of my little monk's cell. And possibly, we could have a good time together--should she really want to do this. She runs round and round the bridle trail for 12 to 16 miles! I wonder if I even ever do half that, though I probably do. I believe she competes in Ironman triathlons--which are, I was going to say, insanely long, but that is only because my valuing of activities has changed from the time when I did very long endurance things (never competitively, however). What she is doing (and Terry- a trainer who sometimes swims on the weekends, but I think he's too muscly to be truly fast--though I have also read that muscles don't necessarily make someone slow, and often mean someone's very fit--I did have some muscles of a slightly larger size once) requires a lot of body knowledge and control. I guess I'm not running as much now because I found dance--and want to make something more.

I think I've exhausted that. George has not heard of ken wilber- though he gave me the name of the particular eastern discipline/religion he followed, but I can't remember it.

I haven't exhausted that, because my interaction with Ilene (that name could take some practice to love) reminds me of my question: will I ever be in love again--or perhaps, as with Ken Wilber's theory, one loves, experiences peak experience in love, than a longer plateau experience in love, and then one is always in love? And yet I don't seem to be connecting with people on a really emotional level--I'm simply sharing my excitement about things I have found. Yet I don't think I'm not connecting on an emotional level--I know I do with peter, carmen, and I think beverly, and mollie. But the issue is perhaps finding a one who makes your emotional aura sing, by playing with it--someone who knows how to play you and who you are able to play well as well. Basically, like sex without sex, and in my mind without many of the complications of sex, but (as we have seen here,) just as potentially emotionally/mentally difficult. Like in Grace and Grit when treya/ken was describing their first meeting as if their "souls" were saying, "I know you, I've been waiting for you." I think I can comprehend that. However, I seem to have the idea that with only familiarity and time and a reasonable level of compatibility, very meaningful relationships can be developed. Yet, I sense, that I'm putting some distance in there somewhere. I'm putting some distance in there somewhere.

That I'm not really relaxed, open, focused on the other person. I think part of it is, I've not run across the person who is saying to me: Hey, you: listen to me!

Furthermore, I do not comprehend--

It seems these people just sit there-- they won't hit you in the face, so it seems inappropriate to do so to them. Carmen may be a bit of an exception--she has some rather undetached, reprehensible things to say on occasion. Joanna quite possibly hit me in the face, but not really in a way allows for anything powerful to be built on that... I first remember when carmen was talking about attempting ethically questionable practices to avoid having to pay for some damage she caused to someone's car on our first date :), that made me inwardly concerned, but also excited, because here was not a conservative goody-two-shoes (me), moreover, I already knew by that point (I think), her last lover had been a woman. Perhaps like a Molly Ivins? I want someone who is o.k. saying and contemplating valuing horrible things--someone who can be what is perceived by others as incredibly insensitive (but in a communicative as opposed to non-communicative manner). I don't mean insensitive to me necessarily-- well, yes, I mean insensitive to me in her use of questions.  Though in that case she would be powerfully sensitive to me, because that is what I'm asking for.

So, walking around contentedly enjoying central park-- or in intense intro and extro spection about fabricated concerns? Obviously it will be a balance-- but one is easy to do with anyone (and nice to do with many people), the other is more difficult to find, and I've never had anyone answer my violence with another question--though I usually state violence--

Oh, I know I am dreaming of something I wouldn't want if I had it. Perhaps the right question will form out of these thoughts--someone Like Joanna, but not uncommunicative--perhaps passive aggressive is a useful term? Someone who very much has a self, like Joanna.

Now I did like robin--she did seem a bit insane--she would carry out conversations with you long after you had had enough and decided to leave or get back to swimming. But she said stunning things, very much in opposition to peace and relaxation--not attacking you directly but attacking your sense of the mundane.

It is a peculiar sense I'm looking for... Rachel no longer talks to me either-- or I left two messages and have not heard back but have not tried more, or email.

Kristin Larson? Almost--but she was far-out also. Regressive is the word, according to wilber.

The thought is, of an impatient child. A child who gets up and says to the teacher-- I'm leaving, you're too slow, I can learn so much faster outside of this classroom, come with me, if you can keep up, I'll show you! It's an unimaginable adventure out there-- don't stay here, come with me!

Come with me on this adventure--if you can't keep up, I will have to leave you behind--I would love to have company--so I realize some compromises will have to be made for us to work on this together, and I think, if you can work with me, the adventure will be so much better than it would otherwise have been (though, what is will always be better than what is imagined!).

No compromises will have to be made--or, what others might consider compromises are in fact the essence of adventure. Too Idealized?

.