Tuesday 8:20 pm july 9
AC and JS. I know who they are, and they know what I look
like, if not my name. S is not like she looks from the
picture she had. She is not a mental brood impose like I
would think she would be. She did a darn good imitation of a
kiss ass rhodes scholar which made me ask if she had been a
cheerleader. But not loudly enough for her to hear. You are
guessing what I mean, I guess. She was not like a kiss ass
rhodes scholar, she was imitating one. I don't know that
rs's are that way, but, makes sense. S is short and round,
that is her shape, instead of gaunt and thin. She is
attractive. I am trying to make you know that her shape is
short and round, but that does not mean she is fat and roly
poly. Do you see the difference? While I try to make you
see, I do not think you or she will think this a flattering
description. She is the kind I want, but alive.
A c is the one. She had one picture one way, then another
how she looks. She looks like she does. Her hair is long and
straight and blondish. Her eyes are dark and in. Yes, I love
her. She does do what she guesses she is supposed to and
feels awkward, like I do, I feel the same way. Like when you
were talking to Will, a, before you left, and a thousand
other times. Your eyes have it. There is a dark thin line
around, and I feel them. I look like twin crosshairs rounded
out. One way you wear short cut-off jean shorts. Your
sweater because she was cold. She is going back to New
England soon, Cape Cod, I wonder why she moved. I think she
was a girl scout and she has a special dad. and .  She is
going on to England, married, and I wonder what that's like.
She has the quiet, and I say, the craziness comes through
her, and I say she cries like me, and we all do stupid
things. And she would read this and say no.

Good talk with john. He has the voice, he has the great
voice, understanding, reasonable and compassion, close. He
has a little of the quality of glover and bigger and that
strange guy, I want to say affectation, at deep springs. And
we go on. I want him to take me in. I wanted him to, but I
know that is foolish, I would go to a party with the daily,
but a and j would be gone. I am guessing the only way is the
own way, and matt says, it is the crazy way, but it is the
free way, and I feel it already. Free to be with people who
know exactly what you are and maybe love you for it, or
wonder. To say whatever you want, and mean it all and love
it all. Oh, Chris. I spit out the false letters in disgust,
I want to say your real name, , I love you.

I made one mistake:
be together
for no other reason than
to be together

fridays 6:oo pm Sylvan Theater.

I made the mistake of not putting that on the flyers, that
is the truth, and anyone who comes talking will be sad, and
I won't know what to do. But that is all, and it is work I
can do forever. l

I sort of insure the impossiblity of this, by rain/no rain,
and it is just want I want, so, I guess I take my time and
see what I can catch

oh, names, I only use fake names for who I have done what
most people consider embarassing things. and some others,
but like anne and becky, who I have not, the names are real.
They have no reason to be personally embarassed, but all the
others we have shared life and thought and emotion in some
way, so it's different, and some are protected. When I
embarass myself the same in front of all people, it is the
best, then they all know what level I am on and can see me
and smile then.

and I smile at anne, and she smiles, I love her, and I think
she knows, and I think she loves many people, like chris
did/does, and that is enough, that she loves and she knows I
love her.

The anonymousnes of the university, the web and the world
makes this independence possible. Alone, in order to be
anything, I have to be entirely myself. The only way for
that to be is for everyone who I see to know who I am,
everyone, which needs to be everyone, who I love, knows that
I love them.

I wanted to say that I like getting mail from dad. Mostly
he's all I get mail from, that loves.

Becky and talking to matt, the writer, and I feel bad saying
psychological and the character is the best, putting my
wants on him, and one, psycholigical, wasn't even my want. I
hope he won't consider, thought I consider char most
important. Good to see matt.


Wed Jul 10 15:40:25 PDT 1996
jeff and nwacker mixing in my head

I really want someone to draw, like Sarah, or someone else who is good to 
remember.

stuff cut from end of brett:

this is about being open, no regrets, no secrets, that's all it is. (No
its a lot more)  how open can you be, and how much does it matter?
I'm thinking of stuff like masturbation and nosepicking. Masturbation is
perhaps a more acceptable and worthwile topic, but maybe you get the Idea.

write about the dull typical people. And they are in no way dull or
typical. They are, it's because of how they see themselves. They are not
dull. They can be dull to be with, they are dull to be with. But what   
makes them dull, what made them is real and beautiful, sad ways.

sorry, this is 'dire' stuff Tue Jul 9 18:18:18 PDT 1996 I hope I show the
fool again and you cry.


Tue Jul  9 18:33:02 PDT 1996
this name business is sad, but, since I wont write dire only for my self, 
I guess I lose. Insincere "Chris" does not feel the same.

wanted to go to hillel, they make me feel fine, but always I don't feel 
one of them because I am not. It does work and it doesn't. Let me know.

Tue Jul  9 17:49:52 PDT 1996
It's grandma, not grandpa.
Felt a need for an audience.
wise person knows the time to talk.

Tue Jul  9 17:14:17 PDT 1996

think I changed names enough to make things interesting.
Have fun.
things are nasty and close this time, but
tear yourself apart closely

Tue Jul  9 14:31:25 PDT 1996
violin

Monday 8:20 pm 8th July

tear yourself apart

sunday 905pm
Jeff the flute player
Brett the writer
tired

sunday 1:00
I was also going to ask, what is sex anyways? I suppose it can be beautiful 
in some instances, a beautiful part of love and life. are condoms beautiful? 
are birth control pills beautiful? I don't feel it so. So then, only sex for 
children and while she's pregnant and after menopause, what fun. 
Wemmen aren't to big on that unless they're religious fundamentalists, 
maybe. Some said windsurfing is better than sex. Clue me in please. Kv, 
"everyone likes to have regular sex" and so. When I loved and was 9 or so 
that was not something I would say. Shark (new name) relationships last 
longer when the physical doesn't come in. .

ideas-

Sunday July 7, 1996 12:05pm
Well, got Brett's emails and changed her name to brett. The name of the 
woman in sun also rises I think. Thought about them a lot. I was tired 
yesterday and spent a lot of time sitting around outside, it was so nice. 
Then I see the crazy mad.
Don't know that I'll do anything other than keep changing names and I 
think I'll put the emails at the end of brett, if you care you can see how 
they are and see how you feel. For a while I was hearing "stop crying" or 
what it was she said, and the strangeness sad hope I was thinking, "if you 
do [whatever it was] feel free to get in touch". And oh well.
 
I guess it is a mistake to not show my wierdness immediately to anyone I 
start to spend time with. 
The problem here is, is it a problem? As Sharon (new name) said, I feel I 
know so much about you, and you hardly know anything about me. Oh 
well. Should I give my web page address to anyone I see and want to 
know and leave it at that and If they want to know me more leave it to 
them? almost as wimpy as not doing anything? think? I don't know.
    _I think you're all really wierd- you would all be just as crazy if you 
thought about things, really, and I am pretty sure of this. At the same time 
it is pretty stupid to say that all apparent saneness is a front for your true 
crazyness. I don't think you can ever really be at peace. Willa Cather 
came to terms "with a life diminished". Maybe I will. What if I go on 
shouting and no one does anything, unlike brett. With a life diminished. I 
don't know. I'll probably just shout until I die.

I am thinking about Chris (her new name too), and I what she'll do when 
she checks email if she does when she goes back to school if she does. 
I'm thinking about Imogen (her new name, I think). How stupid is this false 
name business? How much does it matter. I can't find any prominent 
principles or feelings against it, although in brett's case and maybe others 
it is sort of like having an anonymous voice. Which is fine. When she 
emailed me she wasn't emailing the whole world, but, I think I always am. 
Everything I say to you I say to everyone, I treat you the same. If you write 
me you write everyone. Who you are does matter, and people knowing 
you does matter. Everything and everyone who made you. Titles after 
names. 

Will I ever understand privacy. Maybe when I come to value it. Chris sayd 
she is a private person, polar polar opposite. So then is there any reason 
for privacy? I have seen none and know none, other than keeping your 
person from being molested by annoying people/ organizations. I guess 
the name change is fine for that reason. I think I qualify, well have 
qualified in the past as a molester, but I don't think I am currently 
molesting and I don't plan to again. 

Ben said the web is nice because we can find what we want instead of the 
adverts finding us. I think if I shout to everyone loud enough, anyone who 
feels with what I have to say may come. Current experiment. Shouting 
betrays inner turmoil. Sure that's all I want. I take a flyer and see you 
woman, and give it to you - if the ideas there seem good, maybe you'd 
come. It would be foolish to always try to dream of strange ways of 
breaking the distance- cause it causes problems for me - the concern of 
intrusion (though, sure I have not evidenced it though that is problem of all 
the past). If I saw one I'd be there, but see.

yeah, I think about Chris. Brett has maybe shown herself practical or 
something, but not loving. "love is a word you use to beat me with" I hope 
not, but I saw a play with a line like that in it, not a play but a monologue 
by a girl in monterey high, and I remember it. "no one will ever love you" a 
song also. 

Loving without being loved is not love.

Was imagining the possiblitity of a someone again, but not at all clear. 
doznt

I think about chris, hoping this whole business is not profanation to her, it is 
not to me, so why worry, because I respect her opinion, I imagine her to 
have a sense I do not have, though, I'm sure, we're all just as clueless. 
She's more beautifully clueless, and I think that is all that matters.

And -- this all is make-believe.

Not much to do but my schoolwork and this experiment, and the new 
more normal, sane keeping activities. Three I add this week, time filling 
mind filling, sane keeping, you see. You may appear sane but in actuality 
you are so busy you never feel, or is it you never think? Well then good 
thing, all my work is toward a time when 
I never think again.

Thinking of Imogen embodiment of practical saneness, living well in the 
real world. Real world? Socialists might not would not think so, same of me 
though, crazies. Fighting for jobs no one in their right mind would fight for. 
What for.

Imogen living in the real world and me You know fake names makes me 
more likely to use a name. The real name is something , Like I say it and 
she hears. She is writing of me and everytime I see 'colin' snap to. I guess it 
is just thinking of them seeing.

Imogen living in the real world and me writing of question to her, to 
everyone, wash your hands and quietly leave.

Why did I think to bother her? Oh just thinking someone would feel with. 
Could be there is a basic problem. A basic inhumanity about me that I do 
not see. Let me know.

nother nice day.

Yeah, I miss you imogen, wish I said your real name, it is a good name.

Wondering if the someother would just mean fromm's egotism a deux. 
Don't think so, what do you think.

living in portland now.

Saturday, 2:30pm

what is 
being?
what is
loving?
what is
the best life?

discuss - experience
or just be

Fridays 6:00 pm at the Sylvan theater
(between the fountain and Stevens Way next to the EE building)
rain/ no rain
questions to: cleath@u

--one some pm
I talk of love, and I feel nothing
I know what happiness is, and I am not happy
I speak of the individual, and I ignore those.
etc.


Saturday 6, 1233pm
Thought change during orgasm, masturbation. what is sex anyways?
Before, then immediately after, letter to Bo. Polar polar. Wine glass elms. 
She.
Can be pure so, if we go about it right way. Why bother. Body language 
saying something, means what you think it means and no love, is no love. 
The woman, man, the man woman, the woman man, the all.

Dear Chris,

I finished the "E" on the abalone shell with your name on it. The shell is on 
my window sill and the stem of a leaf I kept for its redness is caught in a 
hole in the shell. I caught it there. The leaf, I have it here now, is not so red, 
it is dry, paling.

I would send it to you if I thought you might like it. I would write you a 
letter, but I do not want to bother you. I sort of want to test your email 
address to see if you've moved on, though even if you have I expect it will 
still be there. I met a woman who just graduated from ASU, and has come 
here. You call yourself girl. I call myself guy, we've been over-

I'd also like to pretend I am not living in the past, that I have a present, that 
I am not thinking of you. I think I'm doing a good job of it.

It is not easy to find as pure a love. I have rewritten the whole world and 
I'm now starting to draw it.

It's not easy to love as pure, when your older and the animal urge is so, not 
just a freudian theory in your subconcious, sure, but so alive.

What do I really want, and I am telling you. It is foolish that I think.
It is foolish that I think I know what everyone wants. I know what everyone 
needs.

I am running that the most sane face is a facade, and there is broken 
underneath. She says she's happy, but she's really dead. She looks happy- 
when she stops to think she is insane. She never stops to think. The world is 
so dead. What is the deal, why can't we just love and stop messing with 
whatever you think you are.

Again, you are smart. No one will talk to me because I do not listen to 
them.

You are working on a problem (I am working on old news). I am working 
on a problem.

I love you,
you have made me.

--

Bo,
Jeseus, what are you doing? I like someone who disagrees with me, I love 
someone who cares enought to disagree. We are working for change, I 
don't change unless challenge.

Your attitude toward Jews is less than pleasing, I would say unreasonable. 
Bigoted, etc. Damn short sighted. They brought it on themselves. You 
would just as soon kill the rich person, who makes you poor. The rich 
person is out to ruin you. Or whether she is out to or not, she does. She 
makes it imposible for you to live and takes all your money, ruining you. 
You are an idiot to stay in such a situation. What can I do, I cannot leave? 
Why the hell did they?

Your attitude toward anyone with money.

Please explain why I have been able to grow up clueless, sheltered, one 
of the 9 percent of people who has all the wealth, or how I have been 
brainwashed.

Tell me how hating anyone does any good?

Tell me how socialism will work here. Tell me why there is only a little 
socialist stuff when there are so many problems. What problems? Tell me 
why 90 percent of the people don't do something about the 9 who have it 
all.

Give me something to work with rather than

--

I had two 
The frats and sorors in the school bus, going on a field trip or something. I 
wish I could go with them. It would be so nice to go on a trip with the 
people in my class. Don't forget.

and edit rwings, no more piano.

the media law class, the papers, the signs.

hatha yoga tuesdays 6-7:30 hillel.

july 10, 7:30 am wedsday

thursday afternoon. 6 or so.

friday at 6 I hope.

music

the sun shines through the letters when you hold it in the sun


Fri Jul  5 21:16:59 PDT 1996
and here's the version of 'Being' that was printed, if you're
curious:
B E I N G
June 25, 1996.........

This is my sociology project; the project being to help change society in
the way I attempt to describe in this letter. Please let me know of ways
this letter can be more effective.

Erich Fromm starts "The Art of Loving" with, "Any theory of love must begin
with a theory of man, of human existence." I would do well to reorganize
this following his example, but for now, I just want to get this out, and
see what and if you think of it.

Being, what is it?

I imagine you smile.

You read on, and then what.

You read on, and you stop to think, you cry

because this is so beautiful.

You are now, for the moment, incapable of doing anything. You feel as I
feel, and you understand.

You ask yourself, "What am I?". You imagine yourself dead, and ask yourself,
"What have I been."

You put this down, and try to go back to your work, but you stop. You want
nothing more than to be with someone else,

whatever that means.

Is there any point in living if you are the only thing in existence? I say
no, and feel also there is no immediately apparent point in living if I am
the only human in existence in the present, past and future.

Being is only meaningful if you exist as well as I.

Simply `being' would be enough if you were the only being. Since there are
quite a few beings, separate beings, `being together' is all.

I can only be with you inasmuch as you are separate from every group except
humankind. Its impossible now, is it?

I cannot be with you if you are {just about any religion} first,

I cannot be with you if you are {pick a race or culture} first,

I cannot be with you if you are {pick a nationality} first ...

I cannot be with you unless you are are first and last yourself and only
yourself and nothing else. Only we who are unique, different from everything
else, only we can be together.

Not a problem. You are no matter what you do- no matter what you do, you are
separate, you are unique.

It is a consciousness thing though, you must be consciously aware that you
are separate from everything (everyone) else, to be together with other
people.

Here I am saying this, and at the same time hoping that my desire to be with
you is the same as your desire.

This desire for oneness is a characteristic of separateness. Just as you are
separate no matter what you do, you desire to transcend this separateness,
no matter what you think.(?)

At the risk of nothing, I will ask what is `being together', and I will
answer, `loving'.

What is loving? being together.

{expand "being together" to "being together for no other reason than to be
together"}

Here I am going to stop- I don't know what loving or being together is, It
is something we do, though. I am going to ask those who want to be together
simply to be together to come together. And those who want to explore the
ideas here further, too. I was thinking we could meet this Friday at 6:00
p.m. in the Sylvan Theater, and if it's raining, meet there too. Maybe bring
something to sit on, plan to stay forever.

In fact, the convocation of a group of explorers is the primary purpose of
this letter.

I imagine going to this place, Sylvan Theater, on Friday at 6:00, probably a
little before. I will probably sit at the end furthest away from the road,
the end furthest away from the columns. I will be the only one there.

Notes about this letter: About this paper, I need to be clear about what I
hope to accomplish. I want to be with people in a meaningful way. I want to
have friends I am able to get to know very well {I can not know you, I can
only be with you} {this bothers me. To know you might be to be you, but
then, how well do I know myself? So I guess I cannot know you, I can be with
you}. I want to be with other people who ask lots of questions, who always
question, I think, people who find their own way. The question is, are these
people destined to be unhappy, will these people always be questioning and
never enjoying the present? Unlikely. We ask questions with a goal, the goal
of improving our experience.

In general, the question we ask is the question of what is the best part of
life, what have we loved most about our own life, and what do other people
like most about their lives.

But does this thinking get us anywhere? -{(Thought is the most subtle form
of ignorance.) Thinking does not get us anywhere unless it leads to action.
The action justifies the thought.}

The best parts of my life have been when I have felt together with people,
so then why do I spend all this time typing away by myself? Because the
activities of those people I could be with seem in someway superficial to
me. The activities I could be engaging in appear to me to be less than
living. A distraction from what we should be doing.

We should be creating, loving, being, not occupying our mind with games or
logic problems, but being.

The goal is to determine the best part of being and be that way more.

The goal is to determine a direction for the individual and collective
individuals. Collective society needs to work for a world where the
individual is recognized and appreciated as the most beautiful manifestation
of the society. Each individual should be appreciated for herself, by
herself and by the others around her. Conversation should not focus on the
superficial, but the immediate concerns and emotions of the individual.

What if this world is realized, what will it be like? People will focus on
their own selves and the people around them whom they can appreciate as
individuals. They will spend time with their own selves, with eachother and
for eachother. They will spend time exploring themselves and exploring
others , and exploring the world with others. The knowledge of one's self
and the knowledge of others will be the greatest attainment in life. {being
together will be the greatest attainment in life}

Yes this is a product of my aloneness, but I am alone for a reason. I am
alone because I do not want to be together superficially, for apparently
someother purpose. I want to be with other people simply to be with them.
{redundant, I pound it in.}

What do people do when they are with other people simply to be with them?
Nothing and everything. They are open about the purpose.

What would be the effect on society if the focus changed thus? People would
choose settings that allowed them to best be with other people. Would people
have professions- would people have professions? People would

so back to the paper. What would the purpose of the paper be? The purpose of
the paper would be to appreci ate individuals and to encourage
individuality. The person who is a member of any group but humankind gives
up some of her individuality , sometimes gaining an incredible amount {she
gains a community, maybe a way of life, but is at the same time more
segregated from those not in her community.} {I'm sorry. I'm imagining a
Jewish woman, whose life is her religion. She lives (?) an incredible,
beautiful life. But I cannot share. Perhaps there are members of religions
let's work on this question, if it is one, later.} But this even is not
necessary. The people of this paper (?) will consider themselves first
members of humankind, and last members of humankind, and then members of
their respective groups.

{I cannot feel a part of a group which others cannot be a part. You may be a
part of a group, but I cannot be a part of it unless I give up some of
myself. I cannot say a religion or cultural heritage is more important than
what I believe to be important for myself. I have no religion but what I
develop, and I have no cultural heritage but the one I create. Any limiting
of horizon sucks, so I will be a part of no group but humankind} {and why
not just be? why not be a member of no group but the group of all things in
existence. Man is "life being aware of itself"1 and thus is different,
distinct, from all that is not human. I cannot be with a rock as I can be
with a human.} {the less your individuality, the less your need to transcend
it. The path of the human: acknowledging separateness, then transcending
separateness.}

How many hypocrites will we be? None I think- only we who are true to
ourselves can be true to others. Only we who respect ourselves can respect
others. But who knows. Probably just 1.

So my personal goal is this: I, with some help (or do I have individual
aspirations) print this letter, and bring together people who are interested
in putting these ideas in practice, and we will see what happens from there.
We will print the paper to encourage others, but the focus will be the
meetings and the personal interactions that result.{the focus will be the
being, but I doubt there will be a new letter, only revisions}

What will happen once this group exists?{It already exists. What will happen
once more people become aware of this group's existence (the group of all
human beings)?} Will I drop the paper? It will be short, always, only one
piece of paper, so no big deal, and other people will have something to
write. If not I can draw pictures on it, I'm sure.

The purpose of this paper to ask: what is the best of life how we can
experience more of the best of life how we can improve upon the best and
other questions.

The purpose of this paper is to allow people who have these questions and
some ideas to meet and try out their ideas.

1) from page 8 of

Title:        The art of loving.
Author:       Fromm, Erich, 1900-.
Edition:      [1st ed.].
Pub. Info.:   New York, Harper [1956].
Phy Descript: 133 p. 20 cm.
Notes:        World perspectives, v. 9.
LC Subject:   Love.
Status:       Suzzallo General Stacks
                301 W893 v.9  CHECK THE SHELVES
                301 W893 v.9  CHECK THE SHELVES
              Undergraduate General Stacks
                HQ33 .F77       CHECK THE SHELVES
                HQ33 .F77       CHECK THE SHELVES
 

judgement, interest, love, suggestions, ideas, crit: cleath@u
or send handwritten/drawn stuff to: colin leath, Box 355670


Fri Jul  5 21:16:59 PDT 1996
here's the rest of the junk:
Mass Communication and the Individual

The theory of human existence:
We are at first animals, all animal, both as we come in to this world 
as infants and as we come into this world as human.

The infant does not know she will die. The first human may have a 
vague Idea of death.

Over time we have changed. We have become more aware of 
ourselves.

This happend through communication.

We can learn more about ourselves and other people now than 50 
years ago.

So what's your point.

We have gone from being animals to our current state of humanness 
because of communication, and a good part of it mass 
communication.
I will not discount life experience, but the monk would not have 
achieved her level of enlightenment without a teacher, and perhaps 
there has been something written down.
We can know about all lives and choose the one we think is best.

Are we also deluded by the same communication? The information 
may not be correct, the attidudes based on more animal concerns.

What is wrong with being animal? Nothing. Once the aborigine hears 
of the technology of another civilization, she may be curious. We will 
be curious until we see our curiousness does us no good. We tend 
towards a greater separation from nature with time and experience- 
that is what makes us human. The more human human is aware of 
this separateness, and she asks what she can do about it. She may 
realize love, and maybe she is even able to love.

What general trends do we see over time?
We have become aware of the whole world, and of worlds beyond 
our own. We have become aware that there are other cutltures with 
views often different from our own. Maybe, I hope not too rarely  we 
have become able to question our own.

What is the trend over time? Larger and larger organizations of 
people, bigger countries. Bigger trade unions, etc.

What is the trend over time? Sometimes we become aware of 
injustices, and sometimes we do something about them. Blacks are 
not treated as poorly in the U.S. as they once were. I have heard that 
Apartheid has ended in South Africa. We are no longer as 
discriminatory to homosexuals and women as we once were. People 
might now be able to deviate a little in small town america and still 
be accepted, though I doubt it.

Some people may be able to talk openly about sex, if not there is 
more info about it than there once was.

We see that over time people have become more free to be 
themselves, within certain confines. Perhaps there is a black in 
America who considers herself human first, and perhaps then, black. 
She no longer feels that she has to fight to be herself, to have the 
opportunities that should be hers, she as herself, though, with both 
'she' and 'black' in there this is unlikely.

Think of even the white male, poor oppressed creature that he is. 
Once perhaps, maybe still, he was afraid that if he masturbated 
strange things would happen to him. Once he would not have been 
free to try out 50 different religions if he wanted to, without 
persecution. 

Over time humans in general have become aware of other peoples 
and other cultures. Over time we have become more and more 
aware of our insignificance as individuals. Over time humans in 
general have become more and more tolerant, even accepting of 
humans who appear different from themselves. Humans in general 
have become less oppressed by intolerance.

Have we become oppressed in new ways? Yes, we can be 
oppressed by our cars, and most people are. Owning an automobile 
is often a huge reduction in quality life. A further confinement, rather 
than a liberation. We are oppressed by having large amounts of stuff 
we don't really need. We are oppressed because we pollute our 
environment, reducing our health, and eliminating nice places and 
nice experiences that often we can only dream about. We are 
oppressed by the mass communication that has helped reduce our 
oppression. There are few places we can go to be with other people. 
There are few times when we are with ourselves. So often we are with 
television instead of with another. When you drive a car and play the 
radio, you are often with the radio and not yourself, or the people 
around you. Our capacity to be with others has been reduced. While 
the aborigine lives in close contact with her fellow tribeswomen, the 
modern city dweller may live alone with her appliances, and maybe 
a pet. Her interests and conversation are dictated by the media. She 
is not with herself, she is not with others. She is a an attempt at 
imitation of her faviorite movie stars and musicians. Maybe a real 
person on occasion. And so is everyone she knows. She is not 
herself, the others are not themselves. They are not individuals, they 
can never really be together.

Consider the Christian. She accepts an Ideology as her own which 
tells her to help others by sharing her belief in Jesus. She is not 
sharing herself, and she cannot accept the nonbeliever. She cannot 
love, she cannot be with others except perhaps those who believe.

The mechanism for all this is communication, and in our society, 
filled with books, periodicals, televisions, radios, computers and 
billboards, this communication is often mass communication. The big 
organization to the individual. etc.

Clearly the good part of mass communication is a reduction in 
human oppression, the increase in the individual's ability to be 
herself, the increase in her ability to love. Clearly the bad part of 
mass communication is an increase in oppression, the decrease of 
an individual's ability to be herself, the decrease in her ability to love.

How many people are in this position, really? How many individuals 
are not oppressed, or we could say liberated from the experience of 
separateness, by the animal problem of survival? How many people 
are starving, dying from curable diseases, dying from cigarettes, 
fighting a war of survival? I am not one of those people, probably 
neither are you. Although, how many people are discriminated 
against for things they are, regardless of their thoughts? I expect they 
are laughing at these ideas. This kind of thinking won't help them 
unless you are the oppressor and open to change, or in a position to 
help them fight their oppression. If they are hungry and you can 
teach them how to feed themselves, whether it be by growing food 
or making money, do. If they are troubled by disease and you can 
cure them, or prevent worse, do. If you can work against 
discrimination, the bad kind of discrimination.


That mass cmu can be bad and good established, it both helps and 
hinders us being human, how can we best use it?

Does mass communication have any place in the life of the the most 
human human?

I think you can ask yourselves does the image you present break or 
reinforce stereotypes? Does the image you communicate 
encourage oppression of any kind whether material, consumer, 
environmental, or intoloerance.

For yourself though, How do you decide what mass communication 
to consume and what to not? How do you choose it such that it helps 
you be yourself, and not hurt you. Do you even choose at all?

I don't have much to say here, it seems my answer is, the individual, 
the unoppressed individual does not need mass communication. The 
unoppressed individual only needs other individuals to love. Stop 
watching TV or movies, or listening to the radio, and be with me.

Is there a such thing as an unoppressed individual? I am oppressed 
by my separateness. You all have friends who you do things with like 
watch movies, and I guess you feel fine; you are not crying out like 
me, you do not respond to my question.

So what is the point of this paper? I see it going no where. Mass 
communication has helped us and hurt us. I have told you how it 
helps us, I have told you how it hurts us, should I give you more 
examples? Do I need to explain more? I don't think so.

Dear Hilary Karsz,

This is my idea for a paper. I would like to explain how civilization has 
developed from animal to human because of communication.

I would like to discuss the purpose of mass communication in an 
individual's life for the pupose of living. Quite honestly, there is none.

Issue: can a person live without reading one book, periodical, 
without seeing television or hearing prerecorded music, and without 
seeing reproductions of great art?

Yes, but is this desirable? This mass communication is produced by 
people. Why should we not see it?

What is the problem with this idea?
it is not realistic- not the idea is to put mass communication in the 
proper place in your life.

Personally, why am I drawn to mass communication? Because I 
have a message that I believe will help a certain few who may pay 
attention come free?

I don't know- they say that he who knows the tao feels no need to 
talk about it.

I need the other people, I want someone to love me, I want them to 
feel as I do. Mistake, I need to love them as they are not desire to 
change them, else no better than an evangelist. What good does it 
do for me to love them as they are? Only if they love you as you are. 
I am so right, I do not see what the problem is.

Here, let me write the story. 
I meet a girl even crazier than I, even more sane, but I cannot 
imagine her. She wants to be with just as much as I do and we are, 
we are crazy and loving, and we want to love the others too.

I imagine it working, I won't write it because I don't want a blueprint 
followed not that she would.

Do we have an obligation to help those still oppressed? If we know of 
them personally, sure. If it's some starving irishperson, a million miles 
away whom I have never heard of, then no.

I see the oppression of those nearest me and I think I can help them. 
I can guess I am all wrong, but this idea seems true to me.

I think I am being a little ridiculous. Why the fuck can't I enjoy going 
to the movies like every other sap? Why can't I watch sports drink 
beer fuck women etc. Cause I am right.
By right actions.

Position paper:
Mass cmu and individual:
How mass communication frees the individual.
	awareness of human characteristics
	awareness of other cultures
		leads to tolerance, acceptance
		acceptance of a person regardless of physical 
characteristics
		ability to love. (I think I'm doing something wrong 
here)
	awareness of individual insignificance but significance of 
individuality
How mass communication oppresses the individual.
	false ideas of happiness
	reinforcing stereotypes, encouraging intolerance, violence
	mass conformism
	preventing human to human interaction
	no ablity to love if cannot love the individual
	Religion,
		consider the Christian who speaks of love, but cannot 
love the non believer. This Christian cannot love herself, her "God" or 
anyone else

why/how mass communication should be used by the producer
(a system of ethics for mass communication.)
	to further human understanding
	to encourage individuality
	etc.
why/how mass communication should be used by the reciever 
(individual)
	to help answer a question
		question of self or others or science
		to learn what others have thought and done before 
you.
			expand the possibilities for yourself.
	not as escape/ diversion, Ideally- but whose life is Ideal. I will 
read a novel for escape, but that is in place of action. If this were 
ideal world I would do nothing but to love. If life were as I dream 
would I still create? Damn, it seems not. I only do this because I am 
insecure, only because I have something to say. I believe I would 
always do this, but what if there were not this to do? I would be 
loving and loved and what else is there to do? Can we really be with 
just to be? There will always be a person to help, and I can only help 
myself by helping them. I could practice meditaion. Loving is a full 
time job, but I suppose I only create if I have something to share, 
and I would while loving, but now, wanting change, I have more.
		what better things could you be doing?
			loving
			creating
			being

the individual as the greatest manifestation of society
	greater than the greatest art, how to appreciate
		no other way than being with her, sharing life.
Hell, I'm clueless.

What of the great mass communication
what of the "classics"
It is so beautiful it makes me cry
Mass communication as human experience, mass communication 
as life.
Who decides what is great, who decides what you will hear.
Never overlook the individual.
even then, how great are the classics compared to the possibilities 
of your own experience?

The classics are great only because of your own experience.

What of a world where we pay no attention but to our own artistic?
We will see those physically around us and love them.
Is there a one who does not want to be an artist?
Everyone is an artist by what they make of their lives.

The greats help us realize what we ourselves can do, and is good use 
of mass cmu. There will always be a connoisseur who helps to bring 
the best to us all.

Get the celestine prophecy and check the end.
The industry of self expression.
Or everyone a lover, and that doesn't take much.

Imagine the future of the web as this, perhaps.

o What would such a society be like
	the industry of self expression
		the world wide web (the matrix) vehicle for mass and 
person to person communication.
	loving

P 78 the art of loving

The only way in which the world can be grasped ultimately lies, not 
in thought, but in the act, in the experience of oneness. Thus 
paradoxical logic leads to the conclusion that the love of God is 
neither the knowledge of God in  thought, nor the thought of one's 
love of God, but the act of experiencing the oneness with God.
	This leads to the emphasis on the right way of living. All of life, 
every little and every important action, is devoted to the knowledge 
of God, but a knowledge not in right thought, but in right action.

This attitude had several other consequences. First of all, it led to the 
tolerance which we find in Indian and Chinese religious 
development. If the right thought is not the ultimate truth, and not the 
way to salvation, there is no reason to fight others, whose thinking 
has arrived at different formulations.

Secondly, the paradoxical standpoint has led to the emphasis on 
transforming man, rather than to the development of dogma on one 
hand, and science on the other. From the Indian, Chinese and 
mystical (superstitious also) standpoints, the religious task of man is 
not to think right, but to act right, and/ or to become one with the 
One in the act of concentrated meditation.

The opposite is true for the main stream of Western thought.


Friday 5, 240pm

Wish there were more people here.
Saw a girl firm thigh, and said, why can't I have a girl friend, but what 
it is it I really want.
I am working

I want someone to talk to.
Take lovers off main page,

"Ok,
I do,
but I don't want to want you to." Girl to a guy with a long blond pony 
tail.




Recently Sherwood Anderson defined the mature adult as one who 

"Memories awoke in him. To his mind his new sense of maturity set 
him apart, made of him a half-tragic figure. 

There is a time in the life of every boy when he for the first time takes 
the backward view of life. Perhaps that is the moment when he 
crosses the line into manhood. The boy is walking
He is thinking of the future and of the figure he will cut in the world. 
Ambitions and regrets awake within him.
the voices outside of himself whisper a message concerning the 
limitations of life.

"From being quite sure of himself and his future he becomes not at all 
sure.

He knows that in spite of all the stout talk of his fellos, he must live 
and die in uncertainty,

Already he hears death calling.

With all his heart he wants to come close to some other human, 
touch someone with his hands, be touched by the hand of another."

so.

hm, I say, and sound like brett.

Friday July 5, 1996 11:35 am
Turn in tuition

mass Cmu paper:
Mass Communication and the individual

Mass communication: The process by which a complex 
organization, with the aid of one or more machines, produces and 
transmits public messages that are directed at large, heterogeneous, 
and scattered audiences.

I wish I was on vacation in Maine, on the coast with friends, lover.
lovers all

What a bogus definition. "Complex" org

Mass cmu and the Individual.

What is the effect of mass cmu on the individual? That is the level of 
our experience.

I am looking at the abalone shell with Chris's name on it, in the sun, 
on the window sill.

The theory of human existence:
We are at first animals, all animal, both as we come in to this world 
as infants and as we come into this world as human.

The infant does not know she will die. The first human may have a 
vague Idea of death.

Over time we have changed. Recently Sherwood Anderson defined 
the mature adult as one who

Thursday July 4, 1996 11:50 pm
Remember the guy with the hat on his head, tilted, eyes slits, 
dancing to the jam by moving his head, right arm and upper body. 
Left arm in pocket. Blue nylon jacket, bag jeans, bleach shave hair, 
a twist of it long.

Denise came- this is life. It is good not being in love because I don't 
feel so bad about finding others and talking with them, leaving her 
alone. Still love. Stopped by ACC, and saw Matt, poor guy cause 
working so much- at the same time I wish I could be like him and 
have the friends he has- The two I've known I've loved. And I see 
some, I should not say, like him, one today burning a little flag. It 
burns well.

Blue hair ben came from upstairs, and we went on along the shining 
path, and stopped at Ivars, so he could eat. The wetsuit people. And 
I think I saw Arachne, I did see her, I am not sure of her name, 
though darn it, she knows mine- and I've asked her before, and I still 
am not sure.

Then we went there and found a spot on a hill of bodies with one star 
of halogen light above a steaming living crowd. A religious alien 
scene. So many bodies. The silhoette, the halo of light. This is show.

Fireworks, sure, turn around and see them in the glasses of the 
crowd. The faces change with the colors of the sky, 
       looking up.

Met Heschem too- thanking me for getting his name right, and ben 
takes to talking to denise in a funny way, the way he spins around as 
we walk up the hill. It is good to see Heshem again, but Denise tells 
me later I looked trapped when I saw him, how can this be that I 
look not how I feel, or I look how she feels.

And good night.

I will right and letter to the editor about Paysha's "Why I hate the 
Fourth of July" dont know I'll say, but something.

I remember penny's aquarium-light the animals swimming around 
the rectangular room.

Love, I miss you- If you were here tonight, I would have nothing to 
write, I would have something to write, maybe, I don't really now, I 
would not write, because I would be with you, what would you do? 
You would be doing something funny I'm sure, no doubt working on 
creation, or just being. Just being. Waht of fur works. I don't think. 
they do
Fine, but no-thing spiritual good to be with Denise and Ben, though I 
must say, more Ben than, so,


Wed Jul  3 21:01:45 PDT 1996
Saw Kevin before I came here- I have a friend, 
she, 
I want to talk to her, 
she's not very responsive-
I send her and email, and,
nothing

Hey, y'all we're all the same,
shout it scream it, what you feel.

Wednesday July 3 1996 5:55 am

Chris is missed

BAck from end.
How can the individual use mass cmu to become more human, less animal?
Is there any reason to do this?
What is animal, what is human? Someone damn well better argue with me. It 
sucks that people don't even think enough of your ideas to argue about them.
What use of mass cmu promotes change in this way? What hinders?
What is the fully developed human, how does she, or does she use/ need mass 
cmu? Do you need mass cmu to be one? Do we need it to get there?

The effect of mass communication on the human experience
 
What is the future of mass communication in human experience

Mass communication is what makes us human, not animal. It was not the
fruit of the tree of knowledge that caused us to leave the garden of eden,
animal bliss. It was a clay tablet with symbols written on, a string of
beads representing, the beat of drums relaying messages in the forest, the
hieroglyphs on the temples, tepees and cave walls. Actually it was simply
that the human animal became able to communicate to herself and others her
past experiences and her hopes for the future.

Our ability to communicate gives 'us awareness of ourselves, of eachother,
of our past and of the possibilities of the future.' Or is it our ability
to reason? Whatever the core cause, the result is that the human is "life
being aware of itself". The awareness of ourself as a separate entity ...
etc. 

How does communication, the mass aspect, keep us from being animal? Once 
aware, we can never go back.

How does the development of the individual parallel the development of human 
civilization?

Where are we going if we can never go back? What part will mass cmu have?

Damned if I know, but let's play. Consider past advancements and their effects 
and hypothesize on future advancements.

Where does the individual fit? Will it only be the most developed
individual that realizes the greatest humanity? Or will our civilization
raise all individuals to a greater humanity? How dangerous is this? 

Consider evolution. In living things, evolution seems to avoid the rule
that everything tends toward increasing disorder with time. We have
organized into increasingly larger nations. "Global communities" exist.
Given an alien nation, the world federation in Star Treck is not unlikely. 

Is the only development we will see a more cohesive global community? What 
drives this community? Communication, and mostly mass communication. How 
is the world view of the individual changing because of this. How does the 
individual change.

Is it any better to be alive now than 9,000 years ago? What is the basis
of human experience? Is the aboriginal tribesman less human and more
animal than the parytying sorority sister? Very human beings can exist in
cultures without outside communication and very animal beings can exist in
cultures with the most technologically advanced communications. 

What is the most human human? is it desirable to be this way? It is inevitable 
inescapable unavoidable if you continue to ask these questions, so, where are 
you going?

People will be just as animal no matter the access to information they
have? But some people will be able to use this information, this
awareness, and become more human. 

How mass cmu can help us stay animal?

the result?

No longer any need to communicate.

Interim: increasing acceptance of individuals in different races,
cultures, sexes, preferences, capacities, as being human. Resulting in
global culture? The human homogeneous on the surface? Wearing blue jeans,
smoking camels, driving a car?  The human homogeous basically, but being
incredibly diverse inside? Even possible? 


I think I have enough to work with here.

love,
Colin



Tuesday, July 2, 1996 8:35 pm Death is all around me I feel it everywhere.
Life is there, but we ignore it. Why does no one feel together. Do I need
to shout any louder. Do I need to cry, or just get some sleep. I am dying.
I am frustrated at people why is no one as cryingly open as myself. No one
is only a certain few, and what are they expecting, what makes them sane.
Why do they keep themselves from me. 

They are all afraid to love I see a few, I make a guess and I am wrong.
Any rate I am tired, so, I should  sleep. 

Nothing is happening, I am not changing, no one is changing. I am nothing by 
myself get me out of here.

No one, No one, No one, No one, No one,

Looking for unconditional acceptance, green shoes and a yellow tie. Follow
the the the the blazing white right light growing pale around the white.
You are so foolish, You are so foolish, you are dead foolish, I am crying
for you now, the whine of the meashine, the sigh of the sigh. 

hey ho, butter and cheese follow the dream, the delierum, deliriously.
singing. damn. 

crawling crawling crazy no sign, whi I don't stop, because I have no one
to thank, no accomplishments that give me any pride because my present
situation is so sad, I have everything everyone could want to survive, I
am so secure, so I so i

crawley crawley crauley, down, down, down,down, dwon. no


I asked her where she'd been. "I was tasting the black licorice."
I have tasted the black licorice too.
Do you know something?  "No, I know nothing."
Do you love? "No, I love nothing."
I have loved once, but I will never love again.
Who are you? "I am yourself."
I am you. "We are." as they say.

I never knew you.






Sunday, June 30 1996 8:45 pm
heather's here, and I am incapable of writing a paper, and annoyed that I
have no way of connecting this thing easily to every other computer. 

I am poor at feeding myself, and I think from now on I will be only secretly 
wierd, not that being openly wierd matters. It actually only matters to my mom.

Anyways, I guess I should get working on that paper, although I will do the 
reading for tomorrow first.

love,
Colin

Sunday, June 30 1996 3:20 pm
I saw a girl, on the way down here
she was laying in the grass, we looked at eachother-
I love her- I walk on and say, yes, I want to look at her
and I turned to see her again
love you,
and I guess, good bye
we all want the same thing, we all guess the same thing
every beautiful person is a future for each of us alone and in
a glance we imagine all our hopes
someday, when I don't have a paper to write and I am a brave man,
you will think me crazy
and I'll stop when I see you and say hello
and maybe stop and sit in the grass with you.
I did not today, but I will tomorrow, if there is.

I saw the lovers in the grass, as they always are, and I smile to see them,
that they exist, that they 
are
real.

the flags at half mast, and I feel with

how mary smiled then, almost fake, but as if incredibly thanking me, or 
something,
I hope just loving, anyways.

girl on grass

write the book on being, colin

seeing the same people plus or minus every day
is a good thing- and a new thing for me

green tortise

valley ball

no
ups

Kenneth Burke Grammar and Rhetoric of motives
CH Perlman new Rhetoric

Ya - Ya Sisterhood!

The
kneeling         one (actually: girl)
crouching
- I saw this woman on the grass, like how? like kneeling,
damn, beautiful
kneeling, as head on knees, firm on feet, arms at side, and head turned
she looks at me, and as usual, she laying there, I love her, physically
beautiful. 

Did just the coolest dance

Imposing your living on others

sitting there dying (sorry if this is a rehash, retiring this paper)

hey, what is your name?
Nathan,
kevin,
Karen,
Cecilia, you're breakin my heart


The unicycle 

Jeff, lauren, who

vocal

-retired-

write your own book on being,
what am I doing.

btw,
6/16/96
Beaut
      mtn
      day

oell
back to realism, etc.

Sunday, June 30 1996 10:47 am
Don't forget reciepts,
and the whirring of the hard drive is annoying.

Saturday, June 29, 1996 10:50 pm
Oh, the trackball jams sometimes - and now I get a whiff of someones cigarette 
smoke, and some more annoying music.

Smokers suck.

It's bullshit that even here I cannot get mostly fresh air. Cause I live
on a hill and the smoke blows up. 

I guess I should write a nasty letter about smokers and asshole music players, 
right? Though I won't get much out of doing that because I won't exactly be 
loving when I do it.
The only way to get away from these annoying people is to get away from
them. It appears I will be too wimpy to ever to that unless I find some
one to follow out, or someone who would go out with me. 

I will probably just spend my life muddling around with newspaper or
computer jobs in cities or small towns, never really living with love with
nature. I could handle, well I kid myself maybe, a city without smokers
without cars without annoying base music. So long as there is plenty of
green space. 

The only thing to do is work on my being letter and eventually, go global.
maybe then I'll find someone who will stick with me?

Really, I guess that's all I have to do.

I really should stay in college though, because there are a lot of nice
women here. But it's tough if they're the only reason. 

Jobs are fun, but I could never work one 40 hrs a week, I think.

I am best suited to be a person of leisure who spends his hoplessly large
amount of free un person occupied time typing pages of stuff people would
never read. 

It's sort of funny- I type all this, but I doubt I would read anyone
else's stuff like this. Actually though, if I knew the person, I think I
might. If I wanted to get a better Idea of what the person is sort of
like. 

good night,

love,

colin

n forget receipts

I think my mind has married Chris and I can never marry again. Moreover, I
shall die a virgin, because of myself and she has had enough. sad. 





Saturday, June 29, 1996 9:40 pm
I need to turn in my reciepts tomorrow

This is so cool - I am laying in bed typing in the dark. I hear all the
noise the computer makes as I type. It makes a strange noise as I type. A
different noise if I move the trackball or press the mouse button. The
screen changes to bizarre colors if I move my head. There are streaks on
the screen from rows of white characters on black. 

Power saving is on the highest possible - The hard drive stops spinning
after one minute, the screen turns off after one minute, the cpu runs at 5
megahertz, the (the hard drive just stopped spinning and all is quiet
except for the little noises of the keys and the computer sounds ot the
characters being displayed. Even when I stop typing there is a noise. The
screen is mesmerizing. I think they use florescent tubes to backlight the
display. Some dorks (a few houses away at least) are playing loud music
with a base beat. I have yet to find my earplugs, but I will get (the hd
just turned on for some reason. Too bad I have to listen too it for a
minute - there, it stopped. Now back to the radio/ cellular noise of the
keys. Yeah, the screen is cool) them eventually. Did you know this thing
has a number pad? And a pg dn and pd up? Actually it has a function key
which makes that stuff possible. Btw, I haven't had this charged since
this morning, and the battery level shows it's still full- well, it was,
but I just checked, and it dropped one of five notches. The dorky base
players are still at it - I will have to find ear plugs or type until I
get dead tired, or type until I get sick of their noise and get up to see
if I can find ear plugs. I will have to do that. 

I just brushed, flossed and washed my face. I saw Denise Also. Things are
so much different when you have someone to care about - like you. Or like
I care about my little Aero, so I type to it before bedtime. Well, I could
be out screaming like those people I hear, but what point is there in
that? The only meaningful stuff I can do relates to the distribution of my
being letter and the attempt to organise meetings of people who would like
that kind of stuff. Perhaps you could think of something else. I could
write letters to or call people like relatives or david or charles, or I
could maybe try calling Proctor, or maybe Mary - I could probably call
Mary just to talk, but I have nothing to say. 

It was so nice just to be with her that day in the garden house with
Flower, just to be. 
 few things I've been thinking-- I'm in pretty poor shape for any kind of
traditional school work. It appears I am only able to function on school
related projects when I am with other people ( unfortunately the bugs are
also attracted to the lcd display, and I have no screen on my window, but
it's better that way). So I have a paper to write tomorrow, and I wonder
if I'll do it. I really liked working in the garden. I am getting the idea
that its rather unlikely to be with another person in a really loving way-
at least with most people here. Most people are after other things, I
don't know what- I hope I'm not one of them. 

What sort of thing can I do to take care of myself? Copyediting for a
newspaper like The Daily seems to be cool and interesting because of the
people I am with, but I am only doing that mondays. 

Btw, tuesday I have my novice crew class, tuesday evening. Soon I'll be
able to row every morning. This is almost sci-fi, my chin is on the bed,
the screen tilted towards me, and my hands lighted/ silhoetted in a
floresent glow. Then i'll have even less time, but maybe more people. 

I wonder what all work I have to do.

I really am a slacker with this school business.

Now I have no excuse, all this time.

It would seem, that once I thought there would be a woman who would go
with me to the woods, a woman to care about- a person whom I could talk to
every day, email, whatever, and have her be just as excited as I, once I
thought there was someone like her, I would be after a house on the coast
where ... 

And maybe I would work hard and try to do some of this stuff well.

But I know, the only questions are my questions, the only reality is my
reality, etc.. 

could be I'm wrong.


Saturday, June 29, 1996 8:21 pm
So I can be this immature forever.

Saturday, June 29, 1996 6:05 pm
Its the end of the world and you know it.
God this sucks. 
I wanted some help with you but you were gone
I wanted to dance with you, but you had already died.
All I do now is cry.
Heliotrope and Brett.
Karen, Mary and Flowery. A few blackberry bushes and a dead end.

How many crazy 

I was walking back and I saw lovers in the grass, and I have been one once, but 
this is not even
you know how nice it is to love
you know how nice it is to hug someone, and have someone to lay in the grass 
with, it is so fun, so much we are alike.

here I am, cut off from the rest of you but likely this will get out.
for now though, it is just my self.
All I want is a woman and a lover, all I want is to express this ache, and
have you love it. 
I wish you could tell me, for always I do nothing.

I see them all and want, but know we will not go on.
I tell the world, and someone feels the
and that is all

do you know how amazing this is,
e vita?
I am afraid to stop, no one will ever know, no one will ever love, anymore,
e vita.

I can just sing these songs, I can just go on.
You are all the people of the world.
You are all the ones who
will be the 
You are flying slowly
we are seeing what we want to see.

It is incredible to look up from this screen, and see green. Green trees,
grass, and some sky. 

My eyes are fine.

You are all the people of the world.

And what do I do?

nothing.

And what do you do?

I call it nothing,
and you feel it not so.

You feel it too.

Why do we waste our time like this, what have I done to have you ig nore.
Well in time I'll get it by, I hate to wait. Though.

There is nothing I can do to help myself now, but wait.
There is nothing else I can do to help myself, this is the end.

A week and a half.

A week and a half.

What did I write? Are the books gone.

I distributed my being letter to two of my classes last wednesday. The text 
version may be available soon. Damn I'm getting carpal tunnel, right hand, from 
this lovey machine.

Lift my wrist.

One guy, Kevin, has mentioned it. Others have read it.

It's pretty bad- so.

I am inviceable to evangelists, so far. They scare of me, I am the devil,
or I make them see my love and how theirs is gone. They cry and repent and
maybe someday will really love. 

And me do I love, yeah, but no one else does. Mary does, Karen does, but how 
much. mary does, and so- and so, I love her.

Arachne is a spidery woman, thin with black hair, and she is beautiful, She
likes to talk, and I will listen, it is of the garden though and not
herself, lover. 

She is a good person, what can I do about it.

Kelle is the last one to get the letter.

I felt poor the day after, and excited before.

The woman with the eyes, myself made me feel unhappy.

I will miss diana, she is gone to be married, she is still here and I do
not know her. Sappho is still here and I do not know her. 

That I type just to type should be clear, so go back to real life to whatever 
interests you.

I could write about what has happend these first two weeks.

I do not remember though.

This weekend, we worked in the garden. I was very tired and slept a long time 
last night. I was half an hour late. To the 10 o'clock time.

Mary was there and muddy Flower.

I miss the girls walking by, as they are gone.

I did not know the name of the yellow flowering herb.

Karen helped me with her saw, lovey.

On the use of fuck in these writings.
It distracts me. All I think of is those two instances- fuck a dog and fucking 
presence.
I think also of Grandma ann and the hunchback man.

I wonder where they go. I am afraid that is what I will remember of this
but oh well, that is what I said, in my head. 

Karen helped me with her saw.

Friday I got this machine, and figured out how to use it. It is cool so
far. And I think I'll order a modem soon. That means Netscape and telnet
and Ftp and we'll see how much time. 

Just fine.

It was nice to go downtown.

There was a girl on the bus. Looking down.
We stared on and while she asked about the weather.
And I said, This is the sound of Darkness
Calling.

And she said- I did something good to-day.

I did not ask, and I'm not sure if she wanted me to, and that was all.

I looked (loving) and she sipped a bottle of Robitussin. And I said, "Oh,
lord" 

while, "it helps me breathe"

So she went on looking dead.
And as I left I said, "See you later,
I want to see you later, but I never will.

Oh for sure, I will, I see you now. You are sitting on that bus, asking
about the weather and looking sad, quiet, but more noisy than the others
and you show the crazyness of your desperation.  It is mine. 

I met tracy at the fed-ex place. So many nice people there.

And what I do the day, be fore.

This friday it was grey.

This thursday there was sun. We had class outside- this thursday it was
grey, this wedsday there was sun, then we had class outside. 

Thursday non-event, dead day.

Wednesday, I handed out the 'Being'

Becky- so I miss you.

Wedsday afternoon, I got the cash- it was nice to go downtown.

Dad sent me some of my old letters, and some of his dad's poems.

Tuesday I worked on 'Being' Monday I was a copyedit.

Sunday, I wrote being? Saturday, Again I was dead tired- that day, I wrote
being, and hVe no clue what happend to sunday. That friday I have no Idea,
some day that last week I met with Charles. 

That's it.
------
Letter to Brett from 6/12/96 hand written:

yeah, this is a hokey
		hokey letter; beautiful too.
	one I wouldn't normally send,
			but I want to send you something
Hey Brett, 							6/12/96
	4:47 was right, 4:55 is closer to when we left
Just passed a log in the river and I could see the
water rippling around it - piling up on one side,
rushing down to the other.				          hey,
	It was a good visit and is a nice train ride.		you
If we hadn't spoken I would have sat here		          asked
feeling, unable to write. I still feel a little.		          once
I feel like a weight on my chest something			ok?
I feel every time I breathe - like I could just
start to cry if I thought about it.
	Sorry - I don't think this is sad - I don't
think it is sad that I am feeling. The feeling
is sad and wondering though
	and I know I have to gon on to the next person
though and always hope for lasting, though never sure.
  This feeling has always been there with things I doubt
will last - like the friend 'Charles' I felt it with
him too, but not so much when I'm with him.
	I feel it with everybody.
What is worst of all was like that night
after moving with David + you
	Feeling it is over and thinking there is something
that can be sone - that I have not done
	That was hell and this is a little hell
     
    I understand how this feeling
and thinking is too intense too abnormal, or whatever.
    I have some Idea of what you like and want
some of our wants are the same, maybe
	This is hell in a way because I don't know that my
feelings and thoughts (ways of) will fit with anyone
neither does anyone - and most likely, I think, no one
ever fits perfectly with anyone else
	we just have a little too far to go.
                                        (lot) {bs -ed}
    I don't know how you feel about writing me
but I am interested in what happens with you in finding
someone like that.
	I guess that is a little less interesting to you because
you already have many, or a good number of good friends
and because you might not feel like analyzing or  ... etc.
                              (don't)
I don't know what you like to write about
	small chance maybe that we'll like eachother's 
letters.
    I "Learn polish, I will I will, I will and she runs off with red hair-
the polish woman with a short beige light pink skirt smiles and walks off,
she likes me looking- at least doesn't mind- "I like him as a person, but
not you know..  Her accent

	I could never write while this whole thing
was going on - all I could write was
inventories of things or past feelings.
   I guess cause things were still
happening; now they're not so much anymore.

2

Now I've just been thinking for a while
which is sort of useless
	yes it could work but unlikely
why don't I commit all the way
   because we're close, but not enough
why can't we be friends?
   we can
        but will always want more
	I don't want all of you, I guess
feeling I should read the 'loving' book some more.
 did I love you because I need you
or do I need you because I love you.
I do love you and miss you forever
    and so we don't forget: I love you but
I feel there is nothing I can do about it.
  I miss you and I always want to miss
you or be with you, but that is so strange
  because what would I do if I were with you?
Just to be with you - to sit some place - lay in the 
grass and look at the sky and feel with you, your
presence - your presence
here is my question - and not yours so much -
    	I ask why, when it will end.
  I only want to be with those people I'll be
with while alive - sisters - or wife
and then friends.

  I guess you don't relate but I'd rather
write than just think
  - so from now on my first priority is finding
some one to be wife
   or just so long as I'm with people who I think will
be around, I'm fine.
   I think this is sad I would never have said that 
not long ago - 
  The Idea is you have to become a whole person (like
you said) before you are able to love. But the only way 
to become a whole person is to love. Loving is sharing
      Like you need to love yourself before you can
love others - but you love yourself by loving others.
     So, can I ever become a 'whole' person by myself?
It's so annoying that the fundamental need of people
requires other things, other people
                   Do you think yourself 'whole'?
what's it like.
I think there's no complete security in life even.
In fact there's not.
	So, no point in anything except being
together in our insecurity? - I think so
 	I think that's right.

So what about stuff like music, movies, nice
places?
    So the only point in anything is being together
       hey
being together without being aware that it ends?
(  or being aware that it ends, but not thinking about
(  it ending

what about thinking about it ending - gets us 
  no where - or religion                            (maybe)
- being together being aware that it ends, but not thinking
about the ending - feeling only the present.

The water scares me
- so most people don't think about this - some people do?
   I wouldn't be if I had people or future to think
about.
  I only am because I have people + future to hope
     for
and I am not in this present
     So what do you think, who do you love
         who do you love

and it follows that - we love


There's more
brett 
but by email, I think
Wanted to miss you so I 
could write you
Love, Colin

--


Wed Jun 26 13:05:54 PDT 1996
to force dialog
something fund wrong?

weds 815
being too much like notes to myself

Tue Jun 25 19:58:42 PDT 1996
the revision and I think final, about. before spell check, brackets are 
strikeouts.
{I am incapable of thinking any more, which suits me fine. The result is, 
you get this in this state}

Being, what is it?

I imagine you picking up this paper. I imagine you reading the first few
lines. I imagine you putting it back on the stack and walking away.

I imagine you actually taking it with you, and then when you have some   
time, I imagine you read it, and look at it, and say, "Wierd." and feel   
wierd.

I imagine you say, "Wierd," and smile. You read on, and then what.

You read on, and you stop to think. Then you start to cry just a little,
and you smile.

You are now, for the moment, incapable of doing anything. You feel as I 
feel, and you understand.

You ask yourself, "What am I?". You imagine yourself dead, and ask 
yourself, "What have I been."

You put this down, and try to go back to your work, but you stop. You want 
nothing more than to be with someone else, whatever that means.
--

Is there any point in living if you are the only thing in 
existence? I say no, and feel also that there is no immediately apparent 
point in living if I am the only human in existence in the present, past 
and future.

Being is only meaningful if you exist as well as I.

--
Simply 'being' would be enough if you were the only being. Since there are 
quite a few beings, separate beings, 'being together' is all.

--

I can only be with you inasmuch as you are separate from every group 
except humankind. Its impossible now, is it?

I cannot be with you if you are Mormon first, because I am not Mormon. I
cannot be with you if you are Jewish first, because I am not Jewish. I
cannot be with you if you are White first, because I am not white first. I
cannot be with you if you are an American first ... 

I cannot be with you unless you are are first and last yourself and only
yourself and nothing else. Only we who are unique, different from
everything else, only we can be together. 

Not a problem. You are no matter what you do- no matter what you do, you 
are separate, you are unique.

It is a conciousness thing though, you must be conciously aware that you
are separate from everything (everyone) else, to be together with other
people.

Here I am saying this, and at the same time hoping that my desire to be 
with you is the same as your desire.

This desire for oneness is a characteristic of separateness. Just 
as you are separate no matter what you do, you desire to trancend this 
separateness, no matter what you think. How do you like that?
--

At the risk of turning you off, I will ask what is 'being together', and I 
will answer, 'loving'.

What is loving?
being together.
being together for no other reason than to be together
-- 

Here I am going to stop- I don't know what loving or being together is, It
is something we do, though. I am going to ask those who want to be
together simply to be together to come together. And those who want to
explore the ideas here further, too. I was thinking we could meet this
Friday at 6:00 in the Sylvan Theater, and if it's raining, meet there too.
Maybe bring something to sit on, plan to stay forever.

In fact, the convocation of a group of explorers is the primary purpose of 
this letter. I don't know if this will be a total flop, I don't know what 
we will do.

I imagine going to this place, Sylvan Theater, on Friday at 6:00, probably 
a little before. I will probably sit at the end furthest away from the 
road, the end furthest away from the columns. I will maybe be the only one 
there.

Maybe see you this Friday,

Colin.

-- 

Notes about this letter: About this paper, I need to be clear about what I
hope to accomplish. I want to be with people in a meaningful way.  I want
to have friends [I am able to get to know very well] {I can not know you,
I can only be with you}. I want to be with other people who ask lots of
questions, who always question, I think, people who find their own way. 
The question is, are these people destined to be unhappy, will these
people always be questioning and never enjoying the present.  Unlikely. We
ask questions with a goal, the goal of improving our experiences.

In general, the question we ask is the question of what is the best part
of life, what have we loved most about our own life, and what do other
people like most about their lives. 

But does this thinking get us anywhere? -I will have to check art of 
loving for the dissenting opinion that thinking is a nother level of 
whatever. {(Thought is the most subtle form of ignorance.) Thinking does 
not get us anywhere unless it leads to action. The action justifies 
the thought.}

The best part of my life has been when I have felt together with a certain 
group of people, so then why do I spend all this time typing away by 
myself? Because the activities of those people I could be with seem in 
someway superficial to me. The activities I could be engaging in appear to 
me to be less than living. A distraction from what we should be doing.

We should be creating, loving, being, not occupying our mind with games or 
logic problems, but being.

The goal is to determine the best part of being and be that way more.

The goal is to determine a direction for the individual and collective 
individuals. Collective society needs to work for a world where the 
individual is recognized and appreciated as the most beautiful 
manifestation of the society. Each individual should be appreciated for 
herself, by herself and by the others around her. Conversation should not 
focus on the superficial, but the immediate concerns and emotions of the 
individuals.

What if this world is realized, what will it be like? People will focus on
their own selves and the people around them whom they can appreciate as
individuals. They will spend time with their own selves, with eachother
and for eachother. They will spend time exploring themselves and exploring
others[, and exploring the world with others]. [The knowledge of one's
self and the knowledge of others will be the greatest attainment in life.]
{being together will be the greatest attainment in life}

Yes this is a product of my aloneness, but I am alone for a reason. I am 
alone because I do not want to be together superficially, for apparently 
someother purpose. I want to be with other people simply to be with them.

What do people do when they are with other people simply to be with them? 
Nothing and everything. They are open about the purpose.

What would be the effect on society if the focus changed thus? People 
would choose settings that allowed them to best be with other people. 
Would people have professions- would people have professions? People would-- 

so back to the paper. What would the purpose of the paper be? The purpose
of the paper would be to appreciate individuals and to encourage
individuality. The person who is a member of any group but humankind gives
up some of her individuality[, sometimes gaining an incredible amount]
{she gains a community, maybe a way of life, but is at the same time more
segregated from those not in her community.} {I'm sorry. I'm imagining a
Jewish woman, whose life is her religion. She lives (?) an incredible,
beautiful life. But I cannot share. Perhaps there are members of religious
--hell, I try to talk of what I do not know.} But this even is not
necessary. The people of this paper (?) will consider themselves first
members of humankind, and last members of humankind, and then members of
their respective groups.

{I cannot feel a part of a group which others cannot be a part. You may be
a part of a group, but I cannot be a part of it unless I give up some of
myself. I cannot say a religion or cultural heritage is more important
than what I believe to be important for myself. I have no religion but
what I develop, and I have no cultural heritage but the one I create. Any
limiting of horizon sucks, so I will be a part of no group but humankind}
{and why not just be? why not be a member of no group but the group of all
things in existence. Man is "life being aware of itself"1 and thus is
different, distinct, from all that is not human. I cannot be with a rock
as I can be with a human.} {the less your individuality, the less your
need to transcend it. The path of the human: aknowledging separateness,
then transcending separateness.}

How many hypocrites will we be? None I think- only we who are true to 
ourselves can be true to others. Only we who respect ourselves can respect 
others. But who knows. Probably just 1.

So my personal goal is this: I, with some help (or do I have individual
aspirations) print this letter, and bring together people who are
interested in putting these ideas in practice, and we will see what
happens from there. [We will print the paper to encourage others, but the
focus will be the meetings and the personal interactions that result.]{the
focus will be the being, and I doubt there will be another letter}

[What will happen once this group exists ]{It already exists.}[?] Will I
drop the paper? It will be short, always, only one page, so no big deal,
and other people will have something to write. If not I can draw pictures
on it, I'm sure. 

The purpose of this paper to ask:
 what is the best of life
 how we can experience more of the best of life
 how we can improve upon the best
 and other questions.

The purpose of this paper is to allow people who have these questions and 
some ideas to meet and try out their ideas.

--

1) from page 8 of
Title:        The art of loving.
Author:       Fromm, Erich, 1900-.
Edition:      [1st ed.].
Pub. Info.:   New York, Harper [1956].
Phy Descript: 133 p. 20 cm.
Notes:        World perspectives, v. 9.
LC Subject:   Love.
Status:       Suzzallo General Stacks
                301 W893 v.9  CHECK THE SHELVES
                301 W893 v.9  CHECK THE SHELVES
              Undergraduate General Stacks
                HQ33 .F77       CHECK THE SHELVES
                HQ33 .F77       CHECK THE SHELVES

{this book (and 20 years) is, I think, the reason this is happening}

judgement, interest, love, suggestions, ideas, crit: cleath@u
or send handwritten/drawn stuff to: 
Colin Leath
Box 355670


Tue Jun 25 17:52:26 PDT 1996
revising being- printing to-night I hope,
love,
Colin
there is interesting stuff
-later-
I have had it trying to write this thing.

Topics to be coverd: the nature of human.

life aware of i|self.


Sun Jun 23 09:09:38 PDT 1996
"The ultimate consequence of the idea that thought can only percieve in 
contradictions has found an even more drastic sequence in Vedantic 
thinking, which postulates that thought - with all its fine distinction - 
was "only a more subtle horizon of ignorance, in fact the most subtle of 
all the deluding devices of maya."

E Fromm, The Art of Loving, p 76, 
H.R. Zimmer, Philosophies of India, Pantheon Books, New York, 1951

Would I be doing this if situation were different, if girlfriend, if bunch 
of buddies- I think so.
Even so Is this like a huge personal ad? I don't think so.

cite Efromm

send it in, or not- its for yourself

the only need for a letter like this is to organize being experiments
so no gurantee more than one week

stop and cry

doing cures me, feeling I am doing something to take care of it lets me go 
on with the rest

what of disaster, intolerance, other annoyances.


Sat Jun 22 20:11:25 PDT 1996
Now I think I'll go home and read and maybe actually do school work for a 
while, now that I think I've got this out of my head.
To morrow morning I'll come back and finish this up, and Pagemaker it. and 
Print it out.
Monday I'll ask Doris about using my campus mailbox, and a suplemental 
email account. If no sup, then listproc, I think.

Well that's it.
I spent quite some time laying in bed daydreaming to day. for some reason 
was still tired. Maybe now recovered? Maybe now can go on.

I think I have enough stuff to work with and I have to do herb garden 
stuff too.
love you all.
Colin
Miss you Brett, Mary, funny, Sharon, Tammy even, Diana. A funny place. 
JohnC on marriage. Scott. Don't want to say goot night,

white letters on a black screen.


Sat Jun 22 20:00:58 PDT 1996
If this letter continues, what will it be?
It can be an investigation of being and being together and being separate. 
Ideally you will write it.
Send written submissions to:
Send email submissions to:
If you don't want your stuff printed, say that. Generally anonymous 
stuff won't be printed, but I don't know how much that matters.

If you have no ideas about what to write, try this:

Stop, take out a piece of paper- and answer:
Who are you and how do you feel?
or
Where are you and what do you see?
or 
whatever.
or paint a picture
or compose a symphony-

type the stuff in and email it to
or mail it, campus mail to 

most stuff sent in (if you don't say you don't want it printed) will 
probably appear on the web page:
that's it!
Maybe see you this Friday.

-Colin


Sat Jun 22 15:54:18 PDT 1996
Hey, Folks-
How can I get this started?
I am doing this because I think it is the best I can do at this moment. I 
want you to ask the question, 'What is being?'. I want to ask why am I 
doing what I am doing. And realize, that if there is an answer, there must 
also not be an answer.

I want to be with people, and do nothing more than be with them.

How can I get this started?
I am doing this because I cannot do anything else. I see you, a person, 
and I want to be with you, but I cannot be with you unless you are a 
certain way.

If you are not an individual, if you are not yourself, I cannot be with 
you.

I don't know what my psychosis is- or if I have one. I have decided that 
being with other people is the most important part of life.

The question is, what is being?

to me the question is, what are other people?

How can I do this?

I want people who ask themselves why they do what they do and find no 
answer- that's not possible.

I want people who have decided that they do what they do because they want 
to be with other people to tell me what they are doing.

Or, if you think being with other people is all, and you want to try, I 
want to try too, let's meet this Friday.

Prerequisites to Being:
Prerequisites to Being with other people, actually:
Hey, this is just a guess-
Being with yourself- but you cannot be with yourself unless you are with 
other people.

The idea is, if you are a part of a group, you are not entirely yourself. 
Part of you is part of the group, together you have created a being that 
is not yourself, but of which you are all a part.

I don't want to create a new group, but realize one that already exists: 
humankind. I want to meet people that are first and last a member of 
humankind, then a member of their respective group. Is there any point in 
this unless your group is free from oppression? I don't know. But by being 
a part of a group less encompassing than 'humankind', - uh, impending flaw 
in logic?

To be with other people you have to be separate. You cannot have 
togetherness without separateness- to be separate, you have to be 
yourself- you as creator-

You as the most beautiful manifestation of our society.

I have been incoherent too long, I am incapable of making sense.

The question of living.
I live to love. Love is the experience of unity.

Help-

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
                          BEING
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is it?
The below is pretty good, but I feel like writing something new.

Being, what is it?
I imagine you picking up this paper. I imagine you reading the first few 
lines. I imagine you putting it back on the stack and walking away.

I imagine you actually taking it with you, and then when you have some 
time, I imagine you read it, and look at it, and say, "Wierd." and feel 
wierd.

I imagine you say, "Wierd," and smile. You read on, and then what.

You read on, and you stop to think. Then you start to cry just a little, 
and you smile.

You are now, for the moment, incapable of doing anything. You feel as I 
feel, and you understand.

You ask yourself, "What am I?". You imagine yourself dead, and ask 
yourself, "What have I been."

You put it down, and try to go back to your work, but you stop. You want 
nothing more than to be with someone else, whatever that means.
--

I am guessing that this will mean something to you, or I would not do it. 
I am guessing that this will mean something to me, or I would not try it.

It could be my problem is much different, and my own only, not yours. I am
guessing that my problem is yours also. So I take the chance of being
wrong. 
--
First, is there any point in living if you are the only thing in 
existence? I say no, and feel also that there is no immediately apparent 
point in living if I am the only human in existence in the present, past 
and future.

Being is only meaningful if you exist as well as I.

There are two of us only. We are separate, from eachother and everything 
else. What is the purpose now? 

Sorry, we are just animals, we cannot talk, we can only work together for 
our mutual survival.
--

I can only be with you inasmuch as you are separate from every group 
except humankind. Its impossible now, is it?

I cannot be with you if you are Mormon first, because I am not Mormon. I 
cannot be with you if you are Jewish first, because I am not Jewish. I 
cannot be with you if you are Black first, because I am not black. (here's 
an IF) I cannot be with you if you are white first, because I am not white 
first (that's what I say, and, I feel it..). I cannot be with you if you 
are an American first..

We can only be together if we are first and last human (what of the 
animals? Sorry, we are irreconcilably different from animals, because we 
can write. What of humans that cannot write? They can tell stories. 
Suppose squirrels tell stories too? We as humans who have learned to 
write are irreconcilably different from animals. We are unable to turn 
from our path of increasing distance from? As we are increasingly 
separate from our natural world, we are human, not animal more and more. 
Our future is )

Sorry, this first and last human business is not working.

I cannot be with you unless you are are first and last yourself and only
yourself and nothing else. Only we who are unique, different from
everything else in existence (existence?- requires nonexistence), only we
can be together. 

Not a problem. You are no matter what you do- no matter what you do, you 
are separate, you are unique.

It is a conciousness thing though, you must be conciously aware that you
are separate from everything (everyone) else, to be together with other
people.

Here I am saying this, and at the same time hoping that my desire to be 
(?) with you is the same as your desire.

This desire for oneness (sorry) is a characteristic of separateness. Just 
as you are separate no matter what you do, you desire to trancend this 
separateness, no matter what you think. How do you like that?
--
Simply 'being' would be enough if you were the only being. Since there are 
quite a few beings, separate beings, 'being together' is all.

At the risk of turning you off I will ask what is 'being together', and I 
will answer, 'loving'.

What is loving?
being together.

-- 

Here I am going to stop- I don't know what loving or being together is,
It is something we do, though. I am going to ask those who want to be
together simply to be together to come together. And those who want to 
explore the ideas here further, too. I was thinking we could set the 
meeting time this Friday at 6:00 in the Sylvan Theater, and if it's 
raining, meet instead in the upstairs of that cafe in the hub (check 
hours). If we meet in that Sylvan Theater, maybe bring something plastic 
to sit on, and maybe try to eat something before.

In fact, the convocation of a group of explorers is the primary purpose of 
this letter. I don't know if this will be a total flop, I don't know what 
we will do.

I imagine this, if this gets that far, I'll distribute this stuff tuesday 
morning, and probably most mornings each morning of the week. I may get 
some emails.

I imagine going to this place, Sylvan Theater, on Friday at 6:00, probably 
a little before. I will probably sit at the end furthest away from the 
road, the end furthest away from the columns. I will maybe be the only one 
there.

If someone else shows up:
We'll probably introduce ourselves to eachother, and then maybe lay back 
on the grass and start talking about things, or just lay there and look at 
the trees above, and the sky through the trees. I don't know. I'll 
probably ask if anyone would like to help with the letter for next week. 
Then time will go on like that. The people who come will meet people and 
know people just because each person wanted to be with other people.

Will strange things happen?, will there be problems, if this thing even 
continues?, sure, and I am intrerested to see what they are.
--

What if one hundred people show up? You're on your own. The people around
you (unless we happen to be meeting at the same time and in the same place
as some other people) are around you because they want to be with people,
with you in fact, and provided you are quiet some and talk some maybe, and
be always, the other people will probably continue wanting to be with you. 

You could, perhaps, bring a quiet guitar and play, or bring some drums and 
beat, or a harmonica, or whatever. I don't know how it goes though. I 
don't know what it is to be together. I think it is enough to be together 
just because we want to be. Can you be with each individual there as much 
as you are with yourself? Can you feel each individual there as much as 
you feel yourself? (just avoiding 'love' here), That may be a problem with 
instruments, but I don't think so. Just as you can play, we can listen to 
you play. Just as she can paint, I can love her painting, as her. What of 
the person who is nothing but a brain on a life support system, and one 
eyeball? What of the rock? If I start talking about loving rocks.. well, I 
don't think I can be persuaded I love the rock as much as I love you, 
although perhaps that is a later step in the pursuit of 'oneness'. I would 
much rather love a person, than a rock. I would much rather love a person 
with a body, than one without.

Is it possible that one hundred people come together and none feel left 
out? Is is possible that if one feels left out it is because the others do 
not know you? Does this work on a large scale?

There is never a large scale- there are always the persons immediately 
around you. If they are open to you, nev. mind.

That is the problem- if we are all singing and you want to talk, I don't 
want to be with your music, just with you? My music is me, man, sing with 
me.

What if, every time we sing, but never ask these questions, never talk. 
Unlikely. Who knows.

If you are a 38 year old businesswoman with 2 kids and a husband, will I
feel as much towards you as the 21 year old female student? No, the
businesswoman is (probably) not as separate as I. If you are a person with
a career you believe in will I feel as much towards you as the majorless
student?  No, you are not as separate as I. Who is more separate than I?
The person in minority alone among the majority. 

If we come to know eachother well, and a new person comes, what then? They 
will feel fine, maybe better than we did, if we are all with them.

I don't know, I think music is a problem if it limits our approachability. 
My vision is 100 people sitting/laying around on the grass talking to 
eachother, looking at eachother, or watching the squirrels run around in 
the trees, being separate together. The people will do this for 2 hours at 
least and then stay on or go off to what ever the people want to do. 
Actually the people will do what they want to do (more or less) no matter 
what, so, heck, I don't know. I can only guess about what I will do.

We are real people, so who knows what strange things we will do.

Fri Jun 21 17:55:42 PDT 1996
I'm working on the idea of a paper, I just need to be clear about what I 
hope to accomplish. I am also thinking of becoming a philosophy major, 
but there is a lot of stuff I want to learn in the cmu and sp cmu 
departments.

If you want to know, I'll tell you about my week.

About this paper, I need to be clear about what I hope to accomplish.
I want to be with people in a meaningful way. I want to have friends I am 
able to get to know very well. I want to know other people who ask lots of 
questions, who always question, I think, people who find their own way. 
The question is are these people destined to be unhappy, will these people 
always be questioning and never enjoying the present. Unlikely. We ask 
questions with a goal, the goal of improving our experiences.

In general, the question we ask is the question of what is the 
best part of life, what have we loved most about our own life, and what do 
other people like most about their lives.

But does this thinking get us anywhere? -I will have to check art of 
loving for the dissenting opinion that thinking is a nother level of 
whatever.

The best part of my life has been when I have felt together with a certain 
group of people, so then why do I spend all this time typing away by 
myself? Because the activities of those people I could be with seem in 
someway superficial to me. The activities I could be engaging in appear to 
me to be less than living. A distraction from what we should be doing.

We should be creating, loving, being, not occupying our mind with games or 
logic problems, but being.

The goal is to determine the best part of being and be that way more.

The goal is to determine a direction for the individual and collective 
individuals. Collective society needs to work for a world where the 
individual is recognized and appreciated as the most beautiful 
manifestation of the society. Each individual should be appreciated for 
herself, by herself and by the others around her. Conversation should not 
focus on the superficial, but the immediate concerns and emotions of the 
individuals.

What if this world is realized, what will it be like? People will focus on
their own selves and the people around them whom they can appreciate as
individuals. They will spend time with their own selves, with eachother
and for eachother. They will spend time exploring themselves and exploring 
others, and exploring the world with others. The knowledge of one's self 
and the knowledge of others will be the greatest attainment in life.

Yes this is a product of my aloneness, but I am alone for a reason. I am 
alone because I do not want to be together superficially, for apparently 
someother purpose. I want to be with other people simply to be with them.

What do people do when they are with other people simply to be with them? 
Nothing and everything. But they are open about the purpose.

What would be the effect on society if the focus changed thus? People 
would choose settings that allowed them to best be with other people. 
Would people have professions- would people have professions? People would 
-

so back to the paper. What would the purpose of the paper be? The purpose 
of the paper would be to appreciate individuals and to encourage 
individuality. The person who is a member of any group but humankind gives 
up some of her individuality, sometimes gaining an incredible amount. But 
this even is not necessary. The people of this paper will consider 
themselves first members of humankind, and last members of humankind, and 
then members of their respective groups.

How many hypocrites will we be? None I think- only we who are true to 
ourselves can be true to others. Only we who respect ourselves can respect 
others. But who knows. Probably just 1.

So my personal goal is this: I, with some help (or do I have individual 
aspirations) produce this letter, and bring together a group of people who 
are interested in putting these ideas in practice, and we will see what 
happens from there. We will produce the paper to encourage others, but the 
main focus will be the group and the meetings and the personal 
interactions that result.

What will happen once this group exists? Will I drop the paper? It will 
be short, always, only one page, so no big deal, and other people will 
have something to write. If not I can draw pictures on it, I'm sure.

Ok, so you've published the first paper. You got up Thursday morning, and 
distributed one box of paper to the various entrances of campus buildings

hmm, thursday, or wednesday?  I like thursday best, though it seems a 
little late for friday meetings. That means it needs to be printed 
wednesday pm, and written by tuesday pm.  Submissions by monday pm.

So I print this paper and distribute it, maybe getting some people to 
help. Charles, Matt, David, Ask my morning Journalism class.

So what will be in this paper. I should think about this first. Is it 
sustainable (I'm thinking of calling it The Being). Is The Being 
sustainable. 

I'm feeling badly, I told Brett I would always respond, but I don't often 
respond to my grandma ann or my cousin. This is because I don't get much 
out of responding, I don't get much out of their letters, I guess, and 
they are so far a way.

Is The Being sustainable? The first time I will write about the purpose 
for the paper.

Just called Mary, was a little wierd towards the end 'so what're you up 
tonight' and then said I was doing nothing, just recovering. I wanted to 
ask her about this, but then I thought I want to work this out better 
before I start talking about it, but maybe that's not the best. I hate 
doing that to people. I want to talk to her more, but what do I say?

Its a little stupid to make this so much my own, I think.

So the first time I write about the purpose of the paper. Then the idea 
would be to get individuals to write about what has been most important in 
their lives, and what they plan to do because of that, maybe, 

Let's get started:

 The Being Thursday July 27, 1996

The questioning

This paper will probably be available next Thursday as well; it is an 
experiment.

The purpose of this paper to ask:
 what is the best of life
 how we can experience more of the best of life
 how we can improve upon the best
 and other questions.

My personal philosophy is this: The individual, you, is t

The purpose of this paper is to allow people who have these questions and 
some ideas to meet and try out their ideas.

First:  Is The Being Sustainable?

	I can probably write about my ideas and experiences enough to 



Fri Jun 21 14:27:01 PDT 1996
the ecstacy of just being with you, whatever that means

Fri Jun 21 12:44:24 PDT 1996
poorly writing letter to brett
mad business woman at next terminal, pounding away with the goal of cts, 
for sure
I call her mindless, just for fun, so she is.
but really I am, unable to think of anything but she and the noise she 
makes with her body.

she pauses to shake her hands over the keyboard, for inspiration

she has a fucking buldozer presence, moving me, next to her, out of the 
way

yeah, I could have asked her to stop- (I did ask a guy to stop typing so 
noisily once, He was angry and incredulous for a while, but then quieted 
down) but I'd rather be annoyed, or fill my mind with the sound of her 
finger tips on the keyboard, her mumblings to herself (and me).

Sun Jun 16 19:17:31 PDT 1996
its been
I've got spanish, a speech class, and a cmu class this quarter
what do I want to be 
what i am
it is not so complicated
it sucks to be alone
Hell, just to be with people, is all
no, I want to meet a woman who I can love, and who will love
there are so many Ideas, just let me talk to you and what do you think
I have so much I could just go on and on if I want to, where

let's talk about wanting a woman,
let's talk about being alone

I am alone being alone- the other people who are alone are also alone, but 
the people who have friends- the people who have people they can call on 
the phone and talk to, and meet with and do things with, and want to do 
things with, they are together.

I, want a friend, and I think only of a woman, because it is my nature, I 
want them, she is the future.

I know a guys, I can call them, be with

I am afraid of loving too much, unconciously-
hell, just give me someone to love who can take it and there.

Why could they not take it, to love I have to feel I can give something, I 
can love, but must have response- immediate is best,

I do journ to be with the people who also do journ.

I could do sp cmu, I am talking to them I see you now, I am with you now 
that is all I need forever.

what is all

So I would be happy if I had a woman to love- and loving means I can do 
things for her, and she likes it- if that is how she is, she is loving me, 
because that is what I want- if she can do things for me that I like, that 
would be even better?

She can tell me about herself, I can ask any question, and she can answer, 
someways, maybe,  she asks about myself, and then 
we can go on forever, 
talking together,
and what of 
being together, you see, just sitting there, laying there on the grass, 
where do we go what do we do, 
so we have eachother and we love, what more is there, why go on

when you are perfectly happy what do you do more- time goes on and change 
occurs, 

so I know what I want, a woman, right?  mm-  will my condition really be 
any different then, having someone to love like that?????    Well, you 
see, and if she loves also- there you are, until some terrible disaster, 
we have eachother.  Allus.

Sure, I love everyone, like the book says, sure, I love them all- 
unfortunately I am too distant from that girl on the street to love her as 
much as I could.  In fact, I am close to no woman, whom I could love with 
my whole life, whole being, whole etc.  Now, they say, you should be just 
as happy alone-  well, I am not, what strange event in my past has caused 
this strange obsession with finding a woman, and if you're so obsessed why 
aren't you out there finding???????

uh, finding?  finding, finding, where?  where can I find a person who 
wants to love most of all and not mess with distractions, or am I a little 
confused?  Hm, yes, I see how movie watching car driving, music listening, 
gossiping, are all a part of participating in the modern human experience, 
and so a participation, and perhaps even a love of many many people , or 
just the Basic human Idea, you know, love of human, love of god(symbolic).  
Maybe, I am a little confused, 

Why do I like this so much and think of it when I am not doing it- it is 
like having a conversation, with an imaginary reader years later, whoever 
you are, and you are listening to me- so would it not be better to talk to 
a real person, here is the Hypocrisy- I would have to listen to you if you 
were here, I would have to listen to you, feel you even if you said 
nothing.  In fact if you were here, I would just be happy that you were 
perhaps and say nothing,

If I were not doing this I would be thinking about being alone, always, 
heck I am now, its there in the back of my head- see, but what else would 
I do- whack the grass in the back lawn?  Read another beautiful book, I 
could even paint- but this for some reason is most filling less 
questioning, perhaps a mindless entertainment I have found for myself-  It 
does not have the surface mindless ness of a video game, but the subtle 
mindlessness of rampant thought and action perhaps,  the action of the 
fingers, the movement of the cursor, the sound of the keys, addicting, I 
do not believe it,faster, and slower, sometimes I go very slow, but that 
is when I think of the past.

Banking on myself, banking on my future self, you are the only person I am 
guranteed to be writing to, the only self who is most likely to look at 
this,

there are others, a mom, maybe, an aunt, I don't think, I just fill it in 
because it screens the love stuff.

I write stuff down, and then I never look at it again, except now
a piece of paper in my pocket, setting , the sun was, was hungry, Brett 
there in front of the setting, sun, I love her always, and talking to 
mike, and I was out, what were they saying, why do I have nothing to say, 
why am I not with them, maybe only because I am hungry, how weak.

I take out a paper an write:
you might
only
grow
a tree 
on the river
but people 
will love on 
the Imogen Pie
we who are feeling
are flowing forever
feeling forever we're
going to die
I have been feeling
and flying a radiol
feeling and flying around
you are the one I will always call to you 
are the one I'm going 
to love fly me away
like a horse like 
a luster fly me 
away to an olivine lie you
knew I wanted 
to be a bram 
holly you
knew I wanted 
to hold me and
cry
 cry cry away
falling down
go around
feeling down
going clear
carlson fire
feel the dreaming
the scarlet
    the screaming
know you're alone
and kill yourself
now
 follow the
strangers to the 
rasputin go to
the sky and drag 
the blue down
 all that is
left in the Picture
is blackness all 
    that is left
of the mind
has passed by
  grow the friend
flowers of holly
and heart worn
green the old 
 hedges of rose
 and sage
I am still


--
I was thinking of a Beatles song, its rhythm was in my head, marmelade sky

and I said something to her then, and she laughed, and she left,
no she said, oh I'm fine, she's who is she what is she now.




Hi
 Colin
Leath - master
of my universe
     ~


Deodor Cedar

edgefield

hers
 what 
is 
your 
name

sitting -
there dying

Chicago manual of Style

I don't want to be first (prior)

Jeff
Lauren

---
I could go back, to those times were they good enough?

I could go back, but I don't want to enough, I don't want to go back any 
more.

Hey Brett, what're you doing, how are you, can I may I talk to you, do you 
feel like talking to me, I guess she does not, or she would have called, 
so.

And who else no one else, what have I been doing all this time

So I call the ubrc people, they're all women, it seems, wonder if they're 
good

so that's all, I go on without thinking, without loving, really, I should 
go home.

I wanted to ask what kind of woman in the soc would stay with me, and what 
kind of woman would I stay with, and what would we do if there is nothing 
fulfulling to do in this soc, not much anyways.

read fromm's to have or to be, maybe it's in there.

or we can think, I have a woman she has me, we're together.
we go off, after making some money, I guess, and live in a quiet place in 
the country near the ocean, and work together, growing our own, growing 
our own, and all the people I've ever seen I invite to visit and I love 
them there free from the soc that made them, and maybe a few will like it.

So that is my dream to be free of pavement and cars and tvs but not to be 
free of people. not alone, not a hermit, with a woman, who loves.


It is not only the kids who need help, but those of us who have been here 
as humans this life, more years also.  And those are who I go for.  Kids 
can't wait, parents were kids are kids, were.  We need loving people show 
me a loving person, and change my life, that is 

what am I to those other people, brett, imogen, sharon, rachel, just 
wierd, or maybe loving, not loving because I am afraid of loving too much, 
unconciously.

from Art of Loving:

Love is possible
..
nev,
what comes from meno emotion, no thought,  no question, I just want a 
woman, and why,   dreams are so often false and hopless it is not a dream 
if she wants as much as I it goes on like a r

that's it thats my state now, and what do I do, do I call christy now, no I 
am afraid of loving too much (unconciously) but conciously I am afraid of 
not being loved.

so
afraid of loving too much?  what is the cure?  love everything you crazy-

sorry, not working.

hug every fucking person you meet and love them.

I am afraid they are afraid of that.

ha you are afraid.

hug every person you meet, every person you see, that is the only way all 
the same, how long can I do that.

I am afraid.

I am afraid.  Soc conditiond fear


Sorry folks, I am at a bit of an impasse here.  Alone as hell, I don't 
think I am afraid of loving to much, I think other people are afraid of me 
loving too much.  Damn them all!

Hmm, well, if you want to work with me on this, I bet I can cure you of 
your fear of being loved too much, by me, actually, that depends entirely 
on you, so 

just please tell me when I see you so I can come over and say hello (I 
love you)

life sucks when I'm alone as this and this present is the only eternity I 
see. i don't know It will change, I hope it does, but this is now this is 
forever, there is little point in this now you see, and am I doing all I 
could, there is little I think

now imagine the opposite
I am happy this is not eternity I fear it will change and maybe it does,

going no where and going all places are one and the same,
going no where.
good night 8.47pm  I love you brett, chris, rachel, amanda, jossylen, imogen, 
karen, becky, anne, that girl with dark hair whose name I don'tknow yet, 
adar, lea, adar, lea, and you R dan, and even charles david, and zack, and 
that Jew matt and heshem, my sisters dana, cara, the other cara, and 
Krista, bretth is sad to me, Pat 
, John, Mike, and Becky, and Christy, 
and Denise even, My landlady, elizabeth, Elizabeth, Pilar, Norm, Nadia, 
Leidig, Pasha, Baisia, Butter, paul, Mike, Karl, that wierdo erich fromm, 
wyeth, nearings, Mom, Dad, Granparents Carolynn, David, grammie, grandad, 
grandma ann, taylor, laura, Pancho, Marilynn, Cameron, Duke, Waldbilligs  
Shannon, Melissa, 


complete concentration and you are never tired?
lets go on  forever with this list- I don't want to forget a person.  I 
never will I never can.
Love colin

Sun Jun 16 18:20:37 PDT 1996
cool- looks like I get to take a philosophy of art class this summer- with 
32 others, and it's 5cr giving me 20 for the summer, we'll see if I 
survive

speech communication

Sun Jun 16 16:55:53 PDT 1996
I printed out 'Leaves of Grass' by whitman-  I was going to buy a book for 
a few dollars- but I could not decide, and this is free- but I did not 
think it was so long-  the stack of paper I have is an inch thick and I 
printed on both sides, anyways.

I can't think of any classes to take fall quarter- except languages

Fri Jun 14 17:18:59 PDT 1996
Taking out the letter from Steph I included in the below- decided that's 
not a cool thing to do, however nice for me and the reader

heck I don't want to take it out, but I should ask for permission I 
suppose.

read Capotey's IN COLD BLOOD all morning to get it out of the way.

Thu Jun 13 20:47:36 PDT 1996
Well, it hurts, I want to go on, to live but I keep thinking or whatever.  
Can you help me.

I'll start from a while ago after I wrote that last stuff but I don't feel 
like doing this so much.

I had written the last one, and then felt nothing more than like picking 
lint balls off the floor.

My mind was quiet for a little while, but that thursday, I went home and 
was reading, I was reading the book Brett had asked me to read, and I had 
also got copies of 'notes to myself' and 'the art of loving'

I was laying in bed reading then I stopped and started to cry or 
something.  I'm not sure why- but some thing made me ask if I ever would 
feel like marrying anyone again, after chris- something like that.  I felt 
a little foolish after talking with leo the creationist, who explained 
that most people followed the extentialist Idea of things, basing the 
whole significance of their life on a past event, like a car accident.  
Leo's not too bright, but so what.

Some time before or later, I was reading an emily dickinson poem about 
rememberd stuff, and if we still remembered it forever, there was 
something really there worth remembering, or something like that.

So I cried thinking I would never have that feeling again with any person 
ever any other person.  With her I felt I could love to marry her, love to 
have a family love to be sort of normal.

I cried because my whole life was based on that little time I had been 
with her.  And what is my life any more.

A little later, I said the most significant experience of my life, most 
exciting, etc, was being with her, when I was in third grade.

So a little later I left and went somewhere, and then went to check email.

I had gone boating with Tammy and Sharon the day before, no that was 
next wednesday.

I had seen Sharon the day before.

She had written me an email.. 

Date: Thu, 23 May 1996 14:20:26 -0700 (PDT)
To: Colin Leath 

with nothing in it.

then another:

;;cut just my attempt to not annoy people that their writing is in here 
without me asking- I really don't think it matters that it is, but I have 
to think some more.

I'll always remember "like an Idiot"

and I wrote:


From cleath@u.washington.edu Thu Jun 13 21:07:30 1996
Date: Thu, 23 May 1996 21:21:56 -0700 (PDT)
From: Colin Leath 
Subject: Re: Oops...

Oh Sharon, I think it's better to try to say something than nothing at
all.

I have two letters that I didn't send to you--I just take out the address
if I don't want to send it, and send it- and it goes to my sent mail only,
so I remember all my floundering efforts.  Actually, that night, I gave up
the email and called, you weren't there, so I sent you that short one,
Thursday, May 9.

I could call you right now,

I am so glad you did send,

Its so good to be with you because you do talk,
I'm just trying to understand what's going on here with me, and what I
guess everyone else feels too, but don't often tell.

I would call you and ask if you'd go for a walk this weekend, or a sit, a
sit actually.  I know though, it would be so 'awkward' unless we both
agreed it'd be awkward, and both wanted to do it.  I think it is those
times when I am most insecure (i say 'I' instead of we) when I ride waves
of emotion, and that is exciting, its a high, it is when I live
most. Its not like we'd say anything or do anything, in fact I have no
idea where to go from here, and all I do now is ask (hypothosize) about
that.

I don't know how far I can go, or how free I can be, the greatest problem
is my perception of myself at anytime, How I guess I am percieved and how
I feel.  I want to think where this is going and where it can go.

I usually have all of Thursday free to do what I want, so its an
interesting day of the week, if I haven't saved up any boring stuff to do
what do you do when you do what you want?

It felt good to see you yesterday, because I have been incredibly open,
extreme even, and you still accept me (you were nice), it is so good to be
accepted with all of what I would not usually talk about, but what is so
much of who I am.

I think it is the same with most people, there is so much to most people,
people are the most beautiful part of life, so far, though, it is not easy
to know a person well enough to see how beautiful she is.

to be crude (comparing a human to art, when art is only created by
humans), and I may have said this before, a person could be like art,
each person, a masterpiece, expressing some aspect of our society, yet
most beautiful as an individual, but how do you appreciate that work
(individual)?

We could go back and compare our perceptions of
eachother from the very first time, what we thought the other was
thinking, what we thought of the other, how we thought the other was
feeling, if we thought at all, and times like when I was trying to email
you.  Though I sort of feel that's a distraction from something more
important (I don't know what, maybe you talking?), its an idea of
something to do though.


too long, I know,
hope to see you soon,
Colin
have a good Friday-


that's what happend that thursday

friday, i don't know what i did, I worked in the afternoon

that thursday night there had been a jewish thing where they stay up till 
5 am or so- I went by till two, and slept in that friday

-well just spent half an hour or more talking to Karlv meister about him 
hiking- at first actually I asked him some cool questions about 
girlfriends and lonliness-

"nah I'm not pitifully lonely or anything, I actually like to be alone"

Well, when will I get over this-

enough of this, I'm going home, I want to get a computer at home so I 
don't have to mess with this lab business, though its good to see some 
other people.

later,

Colin

actually, I want to keep going.

I don't know what I did that Friday night, I don't remember and cannot 
figure it out.

I don't know what I did that saturday, but I worked that evening, I guess

Sunday I remember- I ran downtown to the Folk life festival and no one was 
there because it was so early.  the crows swooped at me as I left.

I came back and stopped at the payphone to call home- only mom was there, 
or so, and I had forgotten her Birthday- lost in my own thoughts with out 
calendar.  I wanted to say why or what I was thinking, but started to cry, 
I wanted to say something like "i'm sad because you won't be here allthe 
time and I don't know what to do about it, and that I wanted to be with 
friends of my own more, and hoped and thought about that more, and so I 
forget what may be more important"  I couldn't cause I was crying-  told 
her about Brett and  she said, you should go- I wasn't thinking I would , 
but I realized I had nothing else to do, and though it did not look like 
my kind of place, what else was there for me.

I left the phone and cried some more (how sad) I was walking back up and 
saw Keegan, and my eyes were maybe a little red- he is a black guy who 
came to some of my windsurfing classes.  I saw myself in his eyes, me in 
my white shirt and hat reflected in his black pupils and we talked nicely 
for a while, he's really friendly , before I went up the hill to my house 
to shower I think and catch the bus down town.

There I saw Brett selling T-shirts to a guy in a cowboyish hat, then said 
hi, asked when she got off, and gave her my stuff so I could go play in 
the fountain.

the fountain is cool when its on.

so I got all wet, then sat around to dry- saw a nice looking girl and 
wanted to say hi, but didn't, 

like today, I was walking here from the IMA, saw a nice looking girl 
walking up 'rainier vista' or whatever its called.  She stopped took off 
her sandals and walked on the grass barefoot.

I went on into the herb garden.

Drew some people for a while, then got cold, so I put on my rain jacket 
and wool hat.  It was a nice sunny day.

went over and lay on the grass, and tried drawing another girl for a 
while, but she would move or look at me.

then I just lay there

then some drum players came, and a guy invited me into this little drum 
circle and gave me a tamborine, and I tried,

then we moved to a different spot, and got going pretty good, and people 
were dancing and singing sort of, and I sort of tried to be with it, and 
sometime maybe I was.

About 12:45 or som maybe, I left to see if Brett was off, She got off and 
we went over to the grass and talked for a while.  A little about the book 
a little about her.  I can elaborate.

We moved to a quieter place, and watched the Tehualpan dancers, I saw 
tammy.  We were talking about people.  Gave her some sunscreen.

She got something to drink-  we talked a little about God (symbolic)

We walked around some more.  She got some overalls before we left, then we 
walked downtown to the bus stop, and rode the bus back.  I think we got 
something to eat in the dorms, then went sailing a little bit, before I 
ran off to work that Sunday as a sub for someone.

Monday was a holiday, and I met her that morning after running to the 
arboretum, in the herb garden- she had scheduled a party (work party) and 
we sat around while noone showed up and moved some stuff, and talked and I 
think I broke the subject of lonliness or sadness, started to share that 
basic stuff.  She had been there since early just thinking, I guess.  We 
went back to my house, and I took a shower and looked for a crazy book, I 
could not find (jon van saun)  while she was waiting, cold on the steps.  
We walked to her dorm room I think, she got some stuff maybe, like a 
sweater, she stopped to get money at the atm, then we went to the college 
in cafe for breakfast.  We stayed there for a long time talking about 
dreams (the ones you have at night) plans, whatever, in time we had to go, 
me to work, her to folk life, and I said, let me give you a hug, and I 
did.  Went off smiling.

Sat in the library for 2 hours, doing nothing, I think

don't know what I did then, not sure, maybe painted the painting for mom.  
I called Brett before I did that though, and sometime In there I went and 
'read her a bedtime story'

the first night I think I just tried to make one up, the second night I 
think I brought notebooks of wierd stuff I'd written, and she showed me 
some of her poems she never shows anyone but Cara.

I had to work tuesday 12:30 to 3:30 and then went to the last intro to jud 
class, I guess, or no I did not have one so maybe I went to visit-  
wednesday, I worked all morning and only got over there late or so after 
rowing around with tammy and Sharon.

Showed brett the picture

Am I wasting my time with this?  could I be doing something real?  (I call 
home to see if Proctor has left a message)

Thursday  I did not have to work, we met and went to the post office, and 
she said it was my day.  We walked around, through ravenna park, we 
stopped on the bridge, played on the swings, and on the log roll thing.  
We walked through the park, to a bench, she told me her life story or so, 
(I had told her earlier).  Lay with head in her lap, then just hugged her.  
We mostly sat there and just looked at eachother, actually I just wanted 
to stare at her, but she was not so happy with that,  and what did we say?  
We played with eachothers hands.

After sitting a long time, we left because David was comeing to help me 
move.  She and david helped put all the stuff in his van then in the 
storage room in my new house.

We, after some painful indecision went to a mexican food place of David's 
choice.  David told us some crazy stuff.  Then we walked on the railroad 
tracks.  After an annoying car ride- city rides are like that, david let 
us off, and took off.

We walked down the Burke museum and sat on a bench-  we were both tired 
because we had stayed up so late the nights before reading eachother 
stuff, or something.  I don't know what she wanted, and what did I say?  
Maybe she'll remember-  she got up suddenly and made to leave-  She 
stopped looked back, I was sitting there surprised or something-  and said 
what?  and  said when could I see you tomorrow.  She did come back, maybe- 
I'ld see her tomorrow at the ACC at 5:00 when I got off.  Maybe I hugged 
her?  I doubt it, I said, "I love you'  then quickly added, "always say 
that to my mom before going to bed, don't you"  She said, I love you 
maybe?  I don't remember.

She went off, I went home and lay in bed for a while, feeling very bad, 
something had happend I didn't know what, I could not wait to find out 
what had happend, I decided to get up and go visit- follow the feeling- I 
would never have been able to sleep  I put on some shoes and ran down 
there, she was in her room, talking on the phone, in a sort of happy 
voice, I knocked a little, and waited, I heard her, and he'll hate me in 
the morning, and not talk to me or some thing, then I knocked louder she 
let me in.  I talked to cara for a little-  Brett had told me I could visit 
her in longview, and go see Cara.  She said good bye. I lay on the floor 
and talked to her, tried to talk but cried a little.  "I just always try 
to follow my feelings" s"I think that's good"  m"so do I"

And what was it?  "not used to having someone be nice to me" I don't know, 
I'm nerotic/paranoid/repressed "or say nice things, say they love me"

And how did she feel?  I felt better, but did not want to leave, and I 
hugged her, held her or something.  I slept on the floor that night-  
thought of leaving a few times, but Brett was not awake- I never really 
slept, but I felt better in the morning, and it was sunny when I left, and 
I went over to the ACC to check email- which I had not done for a while, 
and I wrote her this:


From cleath@u.washington.edu Thu Jun 13 23:12:02 1996
Date: Fri, 31 May 1996 06:40:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: Colin Leath 
Subject: love brett

Brett, I'll see you at 10:30
I'll see you in a little bit
I feel a little stupid for saying 'I'll try to see you'
I wonder how I should leave you
always hug you
always say, 'I love you'
If ever I feel bad, I'll tell you, always know I'm loving you
always feel good about yourself
I'll tell you if I feel anything is wrong
never doubt that I love you
never doubt that I love you
^that is the worst thing I could ever do
maybe you see, think you do,
love you,
Colin
Brett Brett Brett
-----
hey Brett,  just have a good morning.  This is an incredible thing, I never
stop being amazed.  I walk around only half where I am.  It's so good to
see you.  say exactly what you feel and leave out all thinking process in
between feeling and saying.
{hug}
I love you,


and  thanks so much for letting me stay there last night.  Though I guess
you didn't really let me.

--

So I did see her after her 10:30 class, then we got a little to eat and we 
lay in the grass in the hub lawn, part in the sun, the sun off her glasses 
and teeth- sparkle, she's beautiful, held hands, hand on her back- in the 
grass, beautiful day.  She skipped a class to stay

We walked down to the ACC and hugged and she left and I worked, mind not 
really there.

Met her at 5:00 or so, out in front-  went to call Dana, by the marina, I 
asked if brett would talk to Dana, but I just did, for a while.

Then we went to the Shabbat-
and here it gets a little bad- but wait, 
I'm tired and will do the rest later, maybe some notes

night then, final, then the party that sat, then sleep, then that sunday-, 
saw her that night?  Help her study?  

tuesday
wednesday- she left
thursday-lawn, friday, lawn and david and ashley
saturday- moving annie, and she came, and we left
sunday, bike ride, clean house, shop, lunch, nap, dinner, park,
monday- stretch- berry pick- job stuff- drum music, Bretth, Krista, bad 
feeling times, and sad goodnight.
tuesday- to Portland, after run, Cara, bookstore, clean, dinner, 
Cara, movie, sleep

wednesday- walk, flowers, clean, draw, wait, went to see Louis and clark, 
then edgefield, then oakpark, then home, then wait, then drop off cara, 
then drive, gag, talk, sad, home, then train, then here, death, death, 
death, wanting to die, as I walk to home then sleep, 

then wake eat read, dad's day, paint, sleep, dream, write read, clean, 
xerox, bookstore, return, run, help with boat workday, swim in lake, walk 
here,

this

present.

Good night and death
love,
Colin


Document 1 
Article:  existentialism
Text:     Existentialism is the popular name of a philosophical attitude
          primarily associated with the 20th-century thinker Jean Paul SARTRE,
          but with a history that goes back to the 19th-century Danish
          philosopher Soren KIERKEGAARD. The name itself was coined by Sartre,
          although the expression "existence philosophy" had been used earlier
          by Karl JASPARS, who belonged to the same tradition. Existentialists
          have differed widely from one another on many basic philosophical
          issues, but they have shared a concern for human freedom and
          personal responsibility and have stressed the importance of the
          individual's need to make choices. Others who have helped to shape
          the existentialist point of view are Friedrich NIETZSCHE, Martin
          HEIDEGGER, Albert CAMUS, and Maurice MERLEAU-PONTY.

          Kierkegaard is the chief exponent of religious existentialism, a
          very personal approach to religion that emphasizes faith and
          commitment, and tends to minimize theology and the place of reason
          in religion. Kierkegaard attacked the theologians of his day for
          attempting to show that Christianity was a thoroughly rational
          religion, claiming instead that faith is important precisely because
          it is irrational, and even absurd. The important thing, he argued,
          is not the objective question of whether God in fact exists, but the
          subjective truth of one's own commitment in the face of an objective
          uncertainty.

          Although Kierkegaard's work inspired an influential school of 20th-
          century religious existentialists (including Paul TILLICH, Martin
          BUBER, Karl BARTH, and Gabriel MARCEL), the existentialist attitude
          is perhaps more often associated with atheistic thinkers to whom
          religious belief seems like an act of cowardice, or, as Camus calls
          it, "philosophical suicide." Nietzsche's attack on Christianity and
          Christian morality is based on his suspicion that these are in fact
          crutches for weakness, instruments for the weak and mediocre to use
          against the strong and self-reliant. They are products of what he
          calls "the herd," the legacy of a slave morality that prefers safety
          and security to personal excellence and honor. But as opposed as
          Nietzsche may be to Kierkegaard (neither one ever read the other),
          these two 19th-century existentialists shared one essential line of
          approach. They both attacked the Christianity of their day as
          hypocritical, insisting that it was an expression of the herd
          instinct and personal weakness. That Kierkegaard urged a renewal of
          the Christian faith while Nietzsche wished to eliminate it is
          perhaps less significant from a philosophical standpoint than their
          common insistence on the importance of individual passion against
          the calm public pronouncements of reason and conformity.

          Twentieth-century existentialism is largely defined--in its form if
          not its expression--by the movement known as PHENOMENOLOGY,
          originated by Edmund HUSSERL and pursued into the existential realm
          by his student Martin Heidegger. Most of Husserl's own philosophy
          was restricted to abstract and impersonal questions in the theory of
          knowledge and the foundations of mathematics. His method, simply
          stated, was to find and examine the essential structures of
          experience, with the aim of establishing the universal truths
          necessary to basic consciousness. Heidegger borrowed the
          phenomenological method and applied it to more personal problems--
          questions about how human beings should live, what they are, and the
          meaning of life and death. His work BEING AND TIME (1927; Eng.
          trans. 1962) is nominally concerned with metaphysics, but in fact it
          is a radical reassessment of what it means to exist as a human
          being. Heidegger rejects the classical Cartesian concept of
          consciousness (I think, therefore I am) and replaces it with the
          neologism "Dasein," a word that literally means "being there." In
          his view, there is no separation of mind and matter, no
          consciousness separate from the world. One finds oneself in the
          world "abandoned." The problem is to find out what to do with
          oneself or, as Nietzsche said, how to become what one is.
          Phenomenology, for Heidegger, becomes a method for "disclosing one's
          being," a way of seeing what is essential to oneself.

          Sartre combined existentialism with Marxism. Following both Husserl
          and Heidegger, he used the phenomenological method to defend his
          central thesis that human beings are essentially free, free to
          choose (though not free not to choose) and free to negate the given
          features of the world. One may be cowardly or shy, but one can
          always resolve to change. One may be born Jewish or black, French or
          crippled; it is an open question what one will make of oneself,
          whether these will be handicaps or advantages, challenges to be
          overcome or excuses to do nothing. Camus borrowed from Heidegger the
          sense of being abandoned in the world, and he shared with Sartre the
          sense that the world does not give meaning to individuals. But
          whereas Sartre joined Heidegger in insisting that one must make
          meaning for oneself, Camus concluded that the world is "absurd," a
          term that has (wrongly) come to represent the whole of
          existentialist thinking. For Sartre, however, the heart of
          existentialism is not gloom or hopelessness, but a renewed
          confidence in the significance of being human.

          When Sartre died in 1980, existentialism as such died with him, but
          the existentialist emphasis on the individual, the personal, and the
          importance of freedom and responsibility continue to represent an
          essential ingredient of philosophical thinking.  ROBERT C.  SOLOMON
Biblio:   Bibliography:  Barrett, William, Irrational Man (1958);  Grene,
          Marjorie, Introduction to Existentialism (1959;  repr.  1984);
          Solomon, Robert, From Rationalism to Existentialism (1972; repr. 
          1985);  Warnock, Mark, Existentialism (1970).

          Copyright notice: Copyright by Grolier Electronic Publishing, Inc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

qCourses to take for Journalism primary field and new media technologies 
and policy secondary field:

Admission: quarterly: completion of 200 (203)
course says:

Major requirements in cmu:
cmu 200 (203)
50cr in cmu:
 30cr in primary field, 
 15cr secondary field

Journalism:
Required:
360(322) Beginning Newswriting and Reporting
361 Advanced Reporting and Newswriting
362(328) News Laboratory 
440 Mass Media Law
468(423) Journalism Ethics

one of:
452(447) Crisis Communications  <---
460(323) Special Reporting Topics req361
462 Magazine Writing
463(325) Copy Editing and Design  <----
465(327) Legislative Reporting 
467(422) Journalism and Literature <---
469(424) Intellectual Foundations of American Journalism <----
489 Ethnicity, Gender, and Media

one class each in:
economics:  econ 200

american gov't (politics?): POL S XXX or HIST? perhaps?

us history:  (ap?)American        AP-   HSTAA 201 (5 credits)
                AP-4-


Secondary Fields: 

     CMU200, 5 credits at the 300-level and 10 credits at the 400 level. 

     Minor Requirements: A minimum of 25 credits, including CMU200, one 
300-level course
     and two 400-level courses. 

15cr in New Media Technologies and Policy
req:
	CMU 300 Basic Concepts of New Media

          Provides a comprehensive examination of the effects of
          new, digital media on interpersonal communication, media
          industries and media culture. Emphasis is on economic,
          social, political and aesthetic implications. The class
          will provide limited experience with computer-based
          media, but no prior technical or computer experience is
          assumed.

          CMU 301 Navigating Information Networks

          Builds familiarity with computer-mediated information
          networks. It introduces and compares network search
          engines, agents, browsing/viewing tools and
          retrieval/transfer software for use by reporters and
          other media workers. Instruction and practice with
          searching/acquiring information, its analysis and
          interpretation, and finally illustration and write-up.

remaining credits in:

          CMU 400 History of Media Technologies and Regulation

          The impact of pre-1980's media technologies - printing,
          telecommunications, broadcasting, photography, and more
          - on individuals and institutions, especially
          government, business and the mass media. How laws and
          policies have changed to govern new media forms.
          Kielbowicz

          CMU 401 Telecommunication Policy and Convergent Media

          Examines contemporary media and telecommunications
          industries since 1980 and their accelerating
          convergence. Attention is given to economic, policy and
          mass use issues. Review of major industry leaders,
          promising technologies and new services. Social issues,
          government initiatives and new legislation are covered
          for both North American and International markets. Bowes

          CMU 402 Virtual Communities

          Technologically-mediated virtual communities will be
          considered through an analysis of historical precedents
          and influences, and through an exploration of the
          concept of community. Issues include a focus on social
          interactions; the social, political, economic, and
          technological contexts of virtual communities, and the
          limits for their sustenance. Gromala bibliography

          CMU 403 Visual Literacy

          An overview of how we apprehend, interpret and
          understand visual content of traditional and evolving
          media forms. Emphasized is the analytic methods, the
          aesthetic characteristics of media forms, and how
          visuals are utilized and understood. Several
          perspectives are considered, including historical,
          cultural and critical. Gromala

          CMU 404 New Media Criticism

          Examines critically the content of new media forms,
          contrasting them with traditional media. Stresses
          influences of social, economic, political and
          technological forces on content, and developing
          strategies for critical analysis. Prerequisite: CMU 301
          or instructor's permission. Gromala

or the following cross listed courses:
427  CMU-427             International Communications Law and Policy   
440 Mass Media Law
445 Communication Theory
451 Mass Media and Culture
463 Copy Editing and Design
489 Ethnicity, Gender, and Media

APPENDIX:  

course(old) says:
Major Requirements: 10 credits from courses in literature; 35 credits in
the general education category, Individuals & Societies, (courses to be
selected from anthropology, economics, geography, history, philosophy,
political science, psychology, and sociology), including at least 20
credits in one department and 20 credits in courses at the 300 and 400
levels; core requirements of 45 credits within the school, to include the
following: CMU 203, 315, 320; two additional communications courses at the
400 level (excluding CMU 498); and one of the following areas of study:
Advertising-CMU 340, 341, 344, 345; Broadcast Journalism-CMU 350, 356,
358; Editorial Journalism-CMU 322, 328; Public Relations-CMU 300, 330,
339. 

A Media Studies option is also offered and requires CMU 201, 202, 203,
310, 410, and an appropriate number of 400-level communications courses to
equal 45 credits in the school.

POL-S classes, which possible?:
POL-S-202           Introduction to American Politics
Institutions and politics in the American political system. 
Ways of thinking about how significant problems, crises, 
and conflicts of American society are resolved politically.
               Offered: AWSpS.
POL-S-304           The Press and Politics in the United States
		Journalists' role in elections and public policy. 
		Relationship
               between news coverage and political campaigns. Study and
               analysis of local political newswriting, reporting, and
               response by local and state political figures. Extensive 
	   off-campus experience included. Offered: jointly with CMU 304.
pol-s 305 The Politics of Mass Communication in America <----
	      Role of mass audiences in politics from the standpoint of the
               communication strategies used to shape their political
               involvement. Topics include: social structure and political
               participation, political propaganda and persuasion, the
               political uses of public opinion, and the mass media and
               politics.

POL-S-319           American Political Thought II   <---
              Major thinkers and themes in American political and cultural
               development from the Civil War to the present.
	     
POL-S-310           The Western Tradition of Political Thought, Modern
Course Desc.:  Continuation of 308 and 309, focusing on material from the
               eighteenth through twentieth centuries, from Rousseau 
		through Lenin. Recommended: 201.

POL-S-351           The American Democracy
Democratic theory; constitutional theory; the Presidency; Congress; the
Supreme Court; civil rights and civil liberties.  Designed for nonmajors.
Recommended: 202 or equivalent. 

CMU-200             Introduction to Mass Communication
 CMU-300             Basic Concepts of New Media
 CMU-301             Navigating Information Networks for Mass Media
 CMU-304             The Press and Politics in the United States
 CMU-320             Global Communication
 CMU-321             Communications in International Relations
 CMU-340             History of Mass Communication
 CMU-341             Government and Mass Communications
 CMU-342             Media Structure 
 CMU-343             Effects of Mass Communication
 CMU-360             Beginning Newswriting and Reporting
 CMU-361             Advanced Reporting and Newswriting
 CMU-362             News Laboratory
 CMU-363             Communication Internship
 CMU-382             Introduction to Communication Research
 CMU-400             History of Media Technology and Regulation
 CMU-401             Telecommunication Policy and Convergent Media
 CMU-402             New Media as Virtual Communities
 CMU-403             Visual Literacy for Mass Communication
 CMU-404             New Media Criticism
 CMU-418             Issues in Mass Communication
 CMU-420             Comparative Media Systems
 CMU-421             Intercultural Communication
 CMU-422             Culture in International Communications Research
 CMU-423             Communications and Development
 CMU-424             Canadian Media Systems
 CMU-425             European Media Systems
 CMU-426             International Media Images 
 CMU-427             International Communications Law and Policy
 CMU-428             Asian Media Systems                                       
 CMU-429             Chinese Communications Systems
 CMU-440             Mass Media Law
 CMU-441             United States Media History
 CMU-442             Public Opinion and the Mass Media: Processes and 
Methods  
 CMU-443             Advertising and Society
 CMU-444             Public Relations and Society
 CMU-445             Communication Theory
 CMU-447             Theory and Criticism of Broadcasting
 CMU-448             Advertising Process and Effects
 CMU-449             Public Information Campaigns
 CMU-450             Communications and Consumer Behavior
 CMU-451             Mass Media and Culture
 CMU-452             Crisis Communications
 CMU-453             Children and Electronic Media
 CMU-454             Problems in Communication Research
 CMU-460             Special Reporting Topics
 CMU-462             Magazine Writing
 CMU-463             Copy Editing and Design
 CMU-467             Journalism and Literature
 CMU-468             Journalism Ethics
 CMU-469             Intellectual Foundations of American Journalism
 CMU-489             Ethnicity, Gender, and Media                              
 CMU-498             Problems of Communications


Sat May  4 13:42:25 PDT 1996
From stanchless quenchless ache of love
You'll die of yearning, choked and smothered.
You darkgloomed lifesic deathbed moon
Splayd white on night-sky's pillow.

From Pierrot Lunaire
seattle chamber players, music for film and the stage,
thurs jan 18, 96 @8pm
stephanie vlahos, recitanat
mitch arnold, conductor

Eisler: fourteen descriptions of rain with the 1940 joris ivens film, rain
Satie:  Music from teh ballet, Relache
with the 1924 Rene Clair film, Entr'acte
Schoenberg:  Pierrot Lunaire

Greenlake Umethodist church, SEATTLEMUSIC, producing music for film.

Sat Apr 27 16:27:22 PDT 1996
Deja vu?  was the name of the game I played on the old humming mack
    9   Apr 26 Justyn Egert        (1,357) Deja vu?                    

Fri Apr 19 08:23:22 PDT 1996
took this all off cause don't want to think about it any more, try present
Thu Apr 18 16:06:00 PDT 1996
classes to take this summer
1498 CMU   203  A MASS CMU & SOCIETY   35 MTWThF 8:30- 9:30
 3615 SPAN  101A D ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
3619 SPAN  102B C ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50

poss
3972 CMU   202 YA PHENOMENA OF CMU     35   TTh  6:30- 8:20

less poss
  2760 MUSIC 162  A AMER POP SONG       228 MTWThF 1:10- 2:10                   

don't sell physics books get rid of ee, chem, etc
Matt- ce, mus double major?

Document 1 
Article:  Blake, William 
Text:     William Blake, a visionary English poet and painter who was a
          precursor of English ROMANTICISM, combined the vocations of
          engraver, painter, and poet. He was born on Nov. 28, 1757, the son
          of a London hosier. Blake spent all of his relatively quiet life in
          London except for a stay at Felpham, on the southern coast of
          England, from 1800 to 1803. At Felpham he evicted from his garden a
          drunken soldier who then accused him of making treasonous remarks,
          but a jury acquitted him of the charge. This incident figures in
          some of Blake's poems.

          Life and Works

          Educated at home, Blake was sent at age ten to a drawing school.
          Later he was apprenticed to the engraver James Basire. From
          sketching frequently at Westminster Abbey, he developed an interest
          in the Gothic style, which he combined with a taste for the art of
          Raphael, Michelangelo, and Durer. He exhibited his first artwork in
          1780, married Catherine Boucher in 1782, and published his first
          poems, Poetical Sketches, in 1783. He quickly withdrew them from
          circulation, however, apparently offended by the condescending
          preface written by a patron. This volume contained the only poems
          Blake published by conventional means. Although book 1 of an
          unfinished poem called The French Revolution (1791) was set up in
          type, it was never issued.

          Blake produced and published his other works himself, except those
          which remained in manuscript at his death, by using his own unique
          method of engraving both illustration and text on copper plates and
          coloring the printed volumes by hand. He executed numerous
          engravings for books by others as well as watercolors and other
          paintings. Blake gave only one private exhibition, for which he
          wrote the interesting Descriptive Catalogue (1809), but the show was
          severely criticized. Some major works exhibited at it have since
          been lost.

          The earliest of Blake's well-known works is SONGS OF INNOCENCE
          (1789), a series of lyrics in the deceptively simple form of
          children's poems. He reprinted them in 1794, adding a complementary
          series, Songs of Experience. Blake wrote, but never published, a
          number of additional short poems, including the cryptic "Mental
          Traveller" and an unfinished poem on the acts of Jesus entitled "The
          Everlasting Gospel." For the most part, though, he concentrated on
          producing longer engraved works, most of which have powerful and
          astonishing illustrations and designs and form a huge, original
          cosmic drama of titanic powers who war among themselves, with their
          wives, and with views of reality different from their own. The best
          known of these so-called Prophetic Books (a title assigned to them
          by their early critics) are Milton (c.1802-08) and Jerusalem
          (c.1804-20), both engraved, and the unfinished Vala; or, The Four
          Zoas, written about the same time and discovered in manuscript only
          in 1893.

          Before doing these, Blake executed a number of so-called minor
          prophecies, which extend the concepts of innocence and experience,
          as in Tiriel (c.1789, unengraved) and The Book of Thel (1789). Blake


->>Visions of the Daughters of Albion (1793)

          followed these with Visions of the Daughters of Albion (1793), in
          which he offers radical views on sex, religion, and politics. Other
          works look forward to the later prophecies by introducing his "giant
          forms" in symbolical and historical poems heavily influenced by the
          Bible. The most notable of these are America (1793), Europe (1794),
          and the books of Urizen (1794), Ahania (1795), and Los (1795). The
   
->>the marriage of Heaven and hell
       Marriage of Heaven and Hell (c.1792), a work that combines prose and
          verse, story, proverb, and argument, is especially important for
          understanding Blake's corpus.

          Blake left no poetry written after about 1818, but he remained
          active as an engraver and artist. Among his greatest works of this
          later period are the illustrations for Dante's Divine Comedy, the
          Book of Job, and Thornton's translation of Vergil, the last a set of
          charming woodcuts. After his death, on Aug. 12, 1827, and that of
          his wife four years later, Blake's works were dispersed, and some
          may have been destroyed.

          Influence

          Blake's work was not well known in his lifetime, but his influence
          is apparent in the work of several painters who knew him when he was
          an old man, particularly Samuel Palmer. He also influenced the Pre-
          Raphaelite painters of the 19th century, and his first editor was W.
          B. Yeats, who knew much of his poetry by heart. 


James Joyce, D. H.
          Lawrence, and Joyce Cary, among others, found inspiration in his
          writings, and he has had considerable influence on modern literary
          criticism through the work of Northrop Frye. Today Blake is one of
          the most frequently discussed poets. Of those who actually knew
          Blake, Palmer left the most interesting estimate of him: "In him you
          saw the Maker, the Inventor. . . .  

He was energy itself and shed
          around him a kindling influence, an atmosphere of life, full of the
          idea. . . .  He was a man without a mask."

          Hazard Adams
Biblio:   Bibliography: Adam, H., et al., Critical Essays on William Blake
          (1991); Bindman, D., The Complete Graphic Works of William Blake
          (1986); De Luca, V. A., Words of Eternity (1991); Erdman, D., Blake:
          Prophet against Empire, rev. ed. (1969; repr. 1991); and The
          Illuminated Blake (1992); Essick, R. N., William Blake, Printmaker
          (1980); Frye, N., Fearful Symmetry (1947); Maron, M., ed., William
          Blake (1988); Thompson, E. P., Witness against the Beast (1994;
          repr. 1995); Viscomi, J., Blake and the Idea of the Book (1993).

          Copyright notice: Copyright by Grolier Electronic Publishing, Inc.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Thu Apr 18 15:27:18 PDT 1996
Course Num.:   MUSAP 233, 234, 235 
Course Title:  Secondary Piano
Credits:       2, 2, 2
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA
Course Desc.:  Focus is on advanced keyboard skills and piano repertoire.
               Prerequisite: 135 for 233; 233 for 234; 234 for 235. 
Consists
               of a half-hour private lesson every week.

Course Num.:   MUSAP 239 
Course Title:  Secondary Piano
Credits:       2, max. 8
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA
Course Desc.:  Intermediate level keyboard repertory. Private instruction.
               Prerequisite: 235.
Curriculum:    Music Applied
Course Num.:   MUSAP 301, 501 
Course Title:  Private Instruction: Piano
Credits:       2-3, max. 45; 2-3, max. 45
Instructor:    Herrman, McCabe, Michaelian, O'Doan, Seales, Sheppard
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA

Curriculum:    Music Applied
Course Num.:   MUSAP 304, 504 
Course Title:  Private Instruction: Violin-Viola
Credits:       2-3, max. 45; 2-3, max. 45
Instructor:    Schwede, Skerlong, Staryk
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA

Department:    Music
Curriculum:    Music Applied
Course Num.:   MUSAP 321, 421 
Course Title:  Private Instruction: Piano
Credits:       2-3, max. 27; 2-3, max. 27
Instructor:    Herrman, McCabe, Michaelian, O'Doan, Seales, Sheppard
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA

teaching music-
 MUSED-431           Curriculum in Music Education
 MUSED-432           Comprehensive Music in the Secondary School               
 MUSED-440           Music for Children
 MUSED-442           Instrumental Curriculum: Methods and Materials
 MUSED-443           Choral Curriculum: Methods and Materials
 MUSED-452           Ethnomusicology in the Schools
 MUSED-453           Approaches to Classroom Instruction: K-12
 MUSED-464           Classroom Management
 MUSED-465           Evaluation of Music Education Programs
 MUSED-475           Teaching the Music of Selected Cultures
MUSED-403           Part-Time Student Teaching in Music                       
 MUSED-404           Full-Time Student Teaching in Music
MUSED-340           Music in Education
MUSED-301-302-303   Musicianship for Teachers I, II, III
USAP-589           World Music Laboratory

 MUHST-410           Orchestral Music: 1760-1830    
 MUHST-260           Orchestral Music                                          
 MUHST-261           Mozart
 MUHST-262           Introduction to Twentieth-Century Music
 MUHST-416           Orchestral Music: 1830-1915                               
 MUHST-424           Music Since 1945                                          
 MUHST-426           American Popular Music                                    
Prerequisites: 314 and MUSIC 312.
 MUHST-429           Music, Literature, and the Arts                           

Course Num.:   MUSIC 116, 117, 118 
Course Title:  Elementary Music Theory
Credits:       2, 2, 2
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA
Course Desc.:  For nonmusic majors. 116: For people with no hands-on music
               experience. Rudiments of music; notation of time, small pitch
               structures  e.g., some scales, chords, rhythmic patterns , some
               analysis. 117: For students who can read music, having some
               performance experience. 118: For students who read music, have
               some performance experience, are familiar with scales, chords,
               intervals. Includes analysis composition in various styles.
               Prerequisites: some music training including ability to read
               music or 116 for 117; familiarity with scales, chords,
               intervals or 117 for 118.

 MUSIC-120           Survey of Music                                           
 MUSIC-121           The Orchestra                                             
Document 1
College:       College of Arts and Sciences
Department:    Music
Curriculum:    Music
Course Num.:   MUSIC 185 
Course Title:  The Concert Season
Credits:       2
Gen. Educ.:    VLPA
Course Desc.:  Performances from the School of Music concert season,
               supplemented by lecture topics related to concert repertoire.
               Analysis of applicable musical topics appropriate for enhanced
               appreciation of historical and cultural contexts of works
               performed. Attendance at ten concerts required.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 MUSIC-300           Music of Greater Mexico                                   
 MUSIC-270           World Popular Music                                       
 MUSIC-345           Sociology of Music                                        
 MUSIC-430           Organology                                                
 MUSIC-490           Orchestration                                             
 MUSIC-545           Sociomusicology                                           


ideal work time ending at 2:00, start at 10:00 or earlier

Wed Apr 17 21:05:18 PDT 1996
Oh god oh god oh god now, it was a choice to play the piano or the computer 
now.   With one I have to deal with myself, the other only with the music 
and emotion, but I have to deal with myself first to make my mind shut up..
I want to cry but this is so stupid, I am just disgusted. I want to talk to 
a person now, I want to cry to a person now, but If there were a person 
here now, I would not do a thing, not a thing, not for anyone.  Not for 
the most special.  Individual is different alone than with people, but 
cannot be quiet with the wrong people and so I must get away alone.  I 

I stop, close my eyes, look down.  Rub my eyes with my hands, see the 
colors.  think, I could be playing the piano now, but I want to bother 
others, I cannot just 

be myself, I cannot just write on paper, because it is meaningless you It 
is memory. this is memory this is me talking to you , and It is all that 
matters to me, 

I am doing nothing I want to do nothing

I will dream

topic:
forward, starting back
the chill, of sanity
Sharon, the girl I spoke to the first day of last quarter
And the business man, lab partner physics first quarter. I forget his 
name, I think it is Tom but I am wrong, check the first emails I wrote 
when I was here, that summer, but I deleted them
ask mom, if she has my old emails- asked.  His name is tom, but I have to 
remember his last name for it to matter.
Keegan, so I remeber his name
Mike dto
Alan, John windsurfing bull,
And then I saw her again, so I sit around and become AI for the
I hate to forget so I remember, or I don't pay attention, if they do not 
matter to me yet, or I write it down, so I can remember it when they are 
not here to ask
so, I remember
tho-  Tom T
here his is and this is the best I can do now, 
[/rc03/d42/cleath]% f t

Ashley
Lee
Matt
Kristen
Kim
Sharon
and that is all in that class
College:       College of Arts and Sciences
Department:    Near Eastern Languages and Literature
Curriculum:    Hebrew
Course Num.:   HEBR 411, 412, 413
Course Title:  Elementary Modern Hebrew
Credits:       5, 5, 5
Instructor:    Sokoloff
Course Desc.:  Modern Israeli Hebrew. Core vocabulary, grammar,
               conversational text, and oral and written communication.
               Excerpts from modern Hebrew prose and poetry.  Cannot be
               taken for credit if 401 taken. Prerequisites: 411 for 412, 
412
               for 413 or equivalent. Offered:.
summer
 3612 SPAN  101A A ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40                   
  3613 SPAN  101A B ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3614 SPAN  101A C ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3615 SPAN  101A D ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
 *3616 **WD**101 TA ELEMENTARY                 MW  6:30- 8:50
  3617 SPAN  102B A ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3618 SPAN  102B B ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3619 SPAN  102B C ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
  3620 SPAN  103A A ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3621 SPAN  103A B ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF10:50- 1:00

for some reason I am turned off by arabic and am loving judaisim ingrown 
inborn irrational stereotypes.  I imagine you are looking at this as I 
write, or just about to, so I often update the file, 

Document 3
College:       College of Arts and Sciences
Department:    Near Eastern Languages and Literature
Curriculum:    Arabic
Course Num.:   ARAB 411, 412, 413
Course Title:  Elementary Arabic
Credits:       5, 5, 5
Course Desc.:  Study of grammar, with oral and written drill and reading 
of
               simple texts.  Cannot be taken for credit if 401 taken.
               Prerequisites: 411 for 412, 412 for 413. Offered:.

I love the girl at the acc thismorning, printing out an important and long 
paper on foreign affairs, beyond my understanding, she had freckles and 
long hair, and, no surprise now, reminds me of kd.  She smiles and is so 
humble, 
and I can never be, I can only be sad

Under the rabbi, rabbi dan, am so self concious, so arrogant or something, 
I am not really, but g-d I feel sort of wrong when I try to talk maybe, 
not really, 
Don't!
You!
Love!
the!
solidness of this

Adele, fidele, Sidal, maybe I will learn her name someday,
Black hair from israel a full lowver lip, foreign speaks Hebrew more than 
english, grew on Kibbutz , she lived there, and I think of Disposessed,

more studies for you Reconstructionist Jewish leader is my man, and I 
think my hero,

add A. Lloyd Weber to historic, change historic to storic, 'his' sucks,
A.L.W. for Evita, I love her, I love him for her

I love Maddona, how is she doing in argentina, find out for me, find out 
for me!

To have the genius to write a symphony, well

 2177 HEBR  470  A INTENS ELEM HEBREW   16 MTWThF 9:40- 1:00 

I want this class more than I want the spanish now, because I love sidal

Summer Quarter 1996 
------------------- 
 UWIN Time Schedule available      February  22, 1996
 Printed Time Schedule available   Mid-April,    1996
 Registration begins               April     29, 1996

 First day of full-term and A-term June      17, 1996
 Last day of A-term classes        July      17, 1996
 First day of B-term classes       July      18, 1996
 Last day of full-term and B-term  August    16, 1996

Autumn Quarter 1996 
------------------- 
 UWIN Time Schedule Available      March     21, 1996
 Printed Time Schedule available   April     26, 1996
 Registration begins               May       10, 1996

 First day of classes              September 30, 1996
 Last day of instruction           December  11, 1996

memory


 1497 CMU   201A A HST OF CMU & JRLISM  35 MTWThF12:10- 2:10                   
  3972 CMU   202 YA PHENOMENA OF CMU     35   TTh  6:30- 8:20
  1498 CMU   203  A MASS CMU & SOCIETY   35 MTWThF 8:30- 9:30
  1499 CMU   320  A LEGAL ASPECTS CMU    40 MTWThF 9:40-10:40
 >1500 CMU   322  A REPORTING                 TTh  9:40-11:50
 >1501 CMU   328  A NEWS LAB                   MW 10:50-12:50
  1502 CMU   330B A PRIN PUB RELATIONS   25 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
  1503 CMU   340B A INTRO ADVERTISING    35 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
 >1504 CMU   349  A ADVERT INTERN              By Arrangement
 >1505 CMU   399  A E.J.INTERNSHIP             By Arrangement
 >1506 CMU   418  A ISSUES IN MASS CMU        TTh 10:40-12:50
  1507 CMU   418A B ISSUES IN MASS CMU   30 MTWThF12:10- 2:10
  1508 CMU   422A A JOURNALISM AND LIT   30 MTWThF10:50-12:50
  1509 CMU   423  A JOURNALISM ETHICS    25 MTWThF 8:30- 9:30
  1510 CMU   469A A CHILD & ELEC MEDIA   35 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
  1511 CMU   475A A CMU INTL RELATIONS   35 MTWThF 9:40-11:50

3612 SPAN  101A A ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3613 SPAN  101A B ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3614 SPAN  101A C ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3615 SPAN  101A D ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50
  3617 SPAN  102B A ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3618 SPAN  102B B ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 8:30-10:40
  3619 SPAN  102B C ELEMENTARY           24 MTWThF 9:40-11:50

1498 CMU   203  A MASS CMU & SOCIETY   35 MTWThF 8:30- 9:30
3972 CMU   202 YA PHENOMENA OF CMU     35   TTh  6:30- 8:20

I don't want to take another econ class, so I don't want to do Int 
studies, tho I want to write and think about important stuff, like that 
girl this morning at the ACC

Sappho's great.  and I think how much fun she has, or anyone, with John 
Asante, and I feel poor company, and I am.

the cmu dept seem's all messed up to me, and this online info is not 
current.

I don't want to mess relig by learning about it in school, its about 
people, but I need to knot the stuff, so I take it 

James Joyce

Course Num.:   CMU 200 
Course Title:  Introduction to Mass Communication
Credits:       5
Quarters:      A, W, Sp, S

check that, is it wrong?- they've changed it all let me find out tomorrow- 
I have no working to do.

I need to know the stories behind the religions.

relig

 3468 RELIG 220  A INTRO NEW TESTAMENT  42 MTWThF 8:30- 9:30
  3469 RELIG 240  A HEBREW BIBLE         30   MWF  1:10- 2:40                   
+ 2784 NEAR E240  A HEBREW BIBLE         15   MWF  1:10- 2:40
  3470 RELIG 324  A EMERG CHRISTIANITY   43 MTWThF 9:40-10:40
  3471 RELIG 380  A RELIG NATURE&STUDY   35   TTh  1:30- 3:20
+ 1462 CHID  380  A RELIG,NATURE&STUDY   10   TTh  1:30- 3:20

Course Num.:   RELIG 380 
Course Title:  The Nature of Religion and Its Study
Credits:       5
Instructor:    Jaffee, Webb
Gen. Educ.:    I&S
Course Desc.:  Study of religion as a general human phenomenon. Manner in
               which different methods of inquiry  phenomenology,
               anthropology, sociology, psychology, literary criticism,
               archaeology, philosophy, theology illuminate different 
aspects
               of religion and help to shape our conceptions of its 
nature.
               Recommended: 201 or 202 or other course in the history of
               religious traditions. Offered: jointly with CHID 380.


Department:    International Studies
Curriculum:    Comparative Religion
Course Num.:   RELIG 324 
Course Title:  The Emergence of Christianity
Credits:       5
Instructor:    Williams
Gen. Educ.:    I&S
Course Desc.:  Studies stages in the development of Christianity as a new
               religion, during the first to fifth centuries CE, as the
               classical forms and institutions of Christian "orthodoxy"
               gradually achieved definition, and as this emerging 
Christian
               tradition became a dominant cultural and socio-political 
force.
               Recommended: 201, 220, or HIST 307.


I think I will just stick to judaism because the rest are so complicated, 
and maybe I am likeing white non christian people only.  cause I don't 
feel threat compet.

I do like Indians, both from india, and south america, but the eastern 
seems so far away, I don't feel like going there, like I might to israel, 
or to S.A., but not really to S.A. because I don't think I'd fit in.

Fit in, but israel like everyplace is becoming americanized, americanized 
the bad way first and that is killing me, or so I overreact

The israelis are evil you know, killing the lebanese, and so the lebanese 
are evil killing the israelis? I do not now

the Kibbutim go to plastics now instead of agriculture disgust, they want 
to come to america and so I will if I leave, I think I am sure.

Moving places does no good h-way says he tried that and cannot escape 
himself, He killed himself in 1969, I will pretend

Document 1 
Article:  Hemingway, Ernest 
Text:     The American novelist, journalist, writer of short stories, and
          winner of the 1954 Nobel Prize for literature, Ernest Miller
          Hemingway, b. Oak Park, Ill., July 21, 1899, d. July 2, 1961,
          created a distinguished body of prose fiction, much of it based on
          his adventurous life.

          Early Years

          Hemingway was the second of six children of Clarence and Grace
          Hemingway. For 14 years his earthly paradise was Walloon Lake near
          Petoskey, Mich., where his family spent its summers. Upon high
          school graduation (1917), he chose journalism instead of college and
          spent seven months as a cub reporter for the Kansas City Star. Kept
          from the armed forces by deficient eyesight, Hemingway volunteered
          as a Red Cross ambulance driver in Italy, which was later to provide
          the theme and locale for one of his most successful novels, A
          FAREWELL TO ARMS (1929). While serving temporarily as a canteen
          officer along the Piave River, he was severely wounded by shrapnel
          on July 8, 1918. Following recuperation, he returned home in January
          1919.

          Restive in his old haunts and eager to resume his former profession
          as a journalist, Hemingway secured a part-time job as a feature
          writer for the Toronto Star. In the fall of 1920 he became
          contributing editor of a trade journal in Chicago, and there he met
          Hadley Richardson, whom he married in September 1921. In December
          they sailed for France and for 19 months occupied a walk-up flat in

walk-up flat, what the hell is that-

          the Latin Quarter of Paris, while he traveled extensively in Europe
          and Anatolia as a foreign correspondent for the Toronto Star. Late
          in 1923 they returned briefly to Toronto, where their son John was
          born, but Europe still gleamed in Hemingway's imagination as the
          place to be. Early in 1924 he resigned from the Star, returned to
          Paris, and launched his career as a serious writer.

          Rise to Fame

          Hemingway's serious writing had begun tentatively with the Paris
          publication in 1923-24 of two slender chapbooks of prose and poetry;
          but his name was little known in the United States until his first
          volume of short stories, In Our Time (1925), appeared in New York.
          This work, which included the first of the Nick Adams stories,
          combined a laconic prose style and an arresting blend of realism and
          romanticism that were to become the hallmarks of his prose.

          In the following year he solidified his reputation with The Torrents
          of Spring, a parody-satire of Sherwood Anderson, and with the
          memorable novel The SUN ALSO RISES, based on his adventures in Paris
          and Pamplona in 1924-25. An immediate success, this novel made him a
          leader of the so-called LOST GENERATION. Hemingway's next two

yes 
he renewed the copyright, damn him bless him
         collections of stories were Men Without Women (1927), which included
afraid to be that afraid to be without women     

          more stories related to Nick Adams's informal education (notably
          "The Killers"), and Winner Take Nothing (1933). These publications,
          along with In Our Time, appeared with several new works in 1938,
          among them the play The Fifth Column, a melodrama of the Spanish
          Civil War, composed in Madrid in 1937. (The so-called Finca Vigia
          edition of his complete short stories, with 14 previously
          uncollected and 7 previously unpublished works, would not appear
          until 1987.)

          After his divorce from Hadley and marriage to Pauline Pfeiffer in
          1927, Hemingway left Paris for Key West, Fla., in 1928. Apart from
          dude-ranching in Wyoming, fishing in the Gulf Stream off Cuba, and
          traveling in Europe and Africa, he remained in Key West for 12
          
Key West

          years. Here he completed A Farewell to Arms, progress on which was
          only temporarily inhibited by the birth of his second son, Patrick,
          and the suicide of his ailing father. The book was published to wide
        
          acclaim in 1929. Hemingway's next work, Death in the Afternoon
          (1932), was an exhaustive nonfiction survey of the art and sociology
          of the Spanish bullfight. His third and last son, Gregory, was born
          in 1931.

          Later Adventures

          Hemingway's fame was now worldwide. His great adventure of 1933-34
          was a big-game safari in Kenya and Tanganyika, from which he
          returned laden with trophies and the materials for his nonfictional
          Green Hills of Africa (1935). Two arresting short stories, "The

he's written his life before he lived it, read just the first parts of Sun 
Also rises-

          Snows of Kilimanjaro" and "The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber"
          (both 1936), also grew out of the African experience.

          A powerful but flawed novel, To Have and Have Not (1937), concerning
          the hard-luck career of a sailor of fortune in the Caribbean,
          contained hints that Hemingway might be moving toward the political
          left. This view was partly confirmed by his espousal of the Loyalist
          cause during the Spanish Civil War (1936-39), in which he served as
          correspondent for the North American Newspaper Alliance. This
          experience led to his most ambitious novel, FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
          (1940), on the tragedy that had befallen the Spanish people.

          By this time his second marriage had ended and he had purchased La
          Finca Vigia, an estate outside Havana, his residence for 20 years

cuba, Jackie

          and the place to which he brought his third wife, Martha Gellhorn.
          In 1941, a few months before the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor,
          they flew to China to report the Sino-Japanese War. Six months after
          U.S. entry into World War II, Hemingway armed his cabin cruiser,
          Pilar, and spent two years hunting German submarines in the

Pilar, Pilar, I love you Pilar

          Caribbean.   all this time.  I got
an email from a Donna.  She had been sending emails to Carrie Leath, but
sent them to me, cleath, not carriel.  She asked If I realized how
interesting it would be if she never found out I was not her girlfriend. 
But I don't think she was really asking, just being a little funny, so I
did not answer, well, I did, but did not send it.  If I knew these people
in real life, it might be interesting.  I am a little intrigued in Carrie,
just the name, I guess.  Someone gave me an account to create for her once
(she is an administrator) because we have the same last name.  I had an
unexciting busride out, remembering how it sucks to ride in cars, and how
sedentary travel is rarely fun.  A woman who reminded me of Ilana
Greenstein, Ilana is a good name and a good person, was writing notes on a
pad, and asked the busdriver to cool the bus.  We got in slow traffic. 
There was a fatish white business man, commuting, not exercising.  A drunk
hispanic and her friend on the next bus, and a group of people who knew
eachother from the bus, and were friendly with the busdriver.  The transit
center in Olympia is rather an Anomoly.  A lot of kids, it seems hang out
in these places.  I sort of like olympia.  In spite of the death feeling
of the government buildings, there are people and there is country nearby. 
I miss having country, not city nearby, and I miss the smaller town. 
Perhaps I could go to Evergreen State, and I think I would like it, but I
may stay here.  If I ever get a tattoo it will be a barcode on the back of
my neck.  Good night

11 11:04pm I got a new pen today, a sheaffer fountain pen because I 
am sick of those EFs that don't work.  It has black ink and works well.  
Its deep blue transparent and has black ink, and is one of the few 
fountain pens with a small grip.  So long as I don't loose it, I wont 
ever have to throw it out.  I can get an adapter so I can buy fountain 
pen ink in a bottle.  8 non vegan stuff on sun and not doing to well, 
could be that.  Am fat, and still hungry, oh well.

10 11:22 OCR is very cool

10 10:52 Two mistakes today from not looking carfully enough at numbers.
There is a lot to do, I need to do the most important.  All art is quite 
useless- wilde, D. Gray.  I still should do the Nearings
but I will sleep.  I am not doing any writing.  breaking copyright laws 
sucks.  I could put passwords on it all so you could not see them, but I 
will take the chance.  love


9 adding of words and names automated thanks to Nathan Dors.
The script is here: http://weber.u.washington.edu/~cleath/words/d.save.  
I should limit this page to all my own stuff though, no
defintions, no encyclopedias, but I do not know If I will for now. 

6 there is a girl in chemistry.  She is tall and not gaunt.  Her eyes 
are circled dark.  Her hair is light brown and in a ponytail.

Writing

3/4/96
This is feeling bad

3/3/96 Good night