Fri 23 Aug 1996 21:00
I just hope I die before I am one of those funny old men. Though I know I am going to be one. I don't know any wholly cool people. Everybody is messed up somehow. Help me. They are all such beautiful people. We all want to love. To love is to give. And it is so hard to give.

The best thing to give is your life. The second best is your life, and that is why people share their lives. But hell, then what do they do. This is so stupid. So I have this friend Kristen. Well friend is relative, I am sure. She is nice to me and I want to love her, but I don't know what I have to give such a person. I don't know what I have to give. I am only interested in writing papers on aesthetics and communication if I can talk to people about what I do. I don't know why people are PhD's or what not. I don't know why. I am most sick of not having any clue about anything. So a Mr. made his point about homeless minds. Increasing individualization, decreasing reliance on institutions leaves us out in the world to define ourselves, and the wonderful thing is, we are all incapable of this! Yes! This just makes my day. So what am I supposed to do now. I know what I need to love: a woman (for god knows what reason), more or less my physical age and type, who is sharp as hell, and has thought about things and can see me for the idiot I am, and I am so clueless about her that I think she is amazing for some wholly reason, and then I see she has not taken the whole jump and that is why she remains whole. I need to see this person every day of my life, or know I can, if I want to, like my sisters, more or less.

Clearly there is no one like this. There is no woman I see every day. There is nothing I could think of doing that would allow me to be with such a person everyday. What would we talk about.

You see, once we become societally so good at birth control, no one but idiots will ever have children because of the way the world is, It is only the institutionalized who can go on and have families, and as I write this as always, I want more than anything to be sane and normal, and institutionalize, and believe I have something to give, and to be able to love and be loved, and I cry, because while some may happen, the others cannot, unless I create the institution myself, and that is hell and slow and let us go on.

So I've lost it with this person it is so poor, I don't want to go on playing tennis, I want to think I can personally give something to her, and her to feel she can personally give something to me. I know I am not the one, and that she probably does not see it this fully, and I despair at the complexity of any relationship and I scare at all I know except those I saw of the people on the river trip, what an

They all can give something to me, it is but that I need to feel I can do something for them. Self sacrifice is no fucking big deal, I would be a martyr anyday, If it were a person I could give my life to.

Right, only certain persons, the kind female, the kind my age the kind for whatever qod reason I feel for and think special, but they are all so insane, illusion filled, and the environment I find myself in scares the hell out of me. I am incapable I do not scream loud enough, and we are all lost. You all are lost with me. Lovers.

Everyone of you is clueless, why do you go on pretending. Your questions will never be over and you will always wonder, You will always cry. These are the best time of your life. Which times are these, lovers? These times are the times you have no time to think the time you believe without thinking all your actions mean something to someone, and you are with the people you mean something to, the people who mean something to you.

These people are the people who will be with you while you are alive and who can share in your concerns. My parents are out they will die, and they are often so distant. They are no different then most people. They could be more intimate and more crazy but then I doubt they would have created me realizing what foolishness it is to bring a person in to this meaningless world.

People do. The most idiot thing is we are so fucking different with people than without. Like I would ever be like this if I were hanging with Scott, however purposeless, however nice. I see a person an hour of a day and I love her for that hour and she's gone, I cannot do that any more, I cannot stop with you if this is all I ever see of you if it is not the rest of life, You are so  little to me, and who's to say? Who's to say which of those I know now will be around these times. Who's to say that these people are not somehow sane and happy inspite of all my feeling they are not. These are my feelings, and My perceptions only but if I am invalid, then what am I left with.

I am left with nothing and this is what we must realize, we have only ourselves, now and until we die, or if we live forever. Some wonderful people focus their lives on becoming one with all the world, what it really is is becoming one with all the world, sounds exciting, I don't loving buy it. Yeah, become one with all people, meditate your ass off. Go. Well, here I am and there you are I hope that somehow you are able to entertain yourself, with other people, believing that what you do is somehow significant, because I am having so much trouble. Maybe if I had a sister to help out, but how would I see it.

How would I see it. I know what I have to do and it is write these signs and put them all over the place so many see and some ask and none, maybe one comes. What do you say.

But what of these people I love and who for some reason are nice to me, I don't know, I guess I am helpless with them. I think of one way of helping and it is different from what they know. It is different from what they believe, and I fail the patience I guess to bring them along. I cannot act normal lise. If for some god awful however loving reason you email me expect the worst because email sucks unless it is fully insane. Fully insane and yours is any thing but. You could be you know, but you're not yet. You probably were once, I'm sure it's too late now, I love you, I feel for you. I would say I love you, but what can I give you. I can only give you my difference and that is what I create, in the time I should be going on.

It is a pity he said that you idiots can no longer write. It is a pity the other he said that kids used to learn so much more. Oh the old days are always better. Back when there were small towns and we did see the woman we loved every day. Right that never happens. Why write when you can get the meaningless ness some other way, why learn when you know you will never learn it all. The Indians are such wonderful people, and so is my friend Gordon. He believes, like the indians in reincarnation. Why? Hell, I don't know. My good friend zach is a mormon, he believes in the love of Jesus who is not our lord. Why? Hell, I don't know. Meet my good friend Buzz, he, my friends believes in heaven. And meet jackson. Who, I am told, believes that there is nothing, and so what is there? Hell I don't know, maybe economics, right? Perhaps women think about these things, I expect in some perverse way distant from me, since after all, I can never talk to them, they do. I am sure they believe in all such wonderful and crazy things, which are all just as wonderful.

And me, meet the person who has nothing to believe in except what he percieves, and he percieves that there is fun time when he is with other people and there is interesting time when he is with self thinking of other people, and there is time when he is with self, looking at a pretty spider web, and these things are nice. There is not much there though, there is nothing you can tell me exept that you do not know. There is nothing you can tell me, except that you have a better question. There is nothing you can tellme, I am so beaten that to live together might be concievable if I don't have to live with a car.

I am so beaten. I cannot get significance from any institution. Many people work along time for this. I cannot get significance from any competition, lise, because what are we competing for. It is so sad to see you go, see you go. I can only get significance in you whom I see, whom I see and talk to. You tell me what you think, and don't let me think of your kid because it is all over for them, for her. She will have to do it all over, unless I can tell her there is only one love and that is people. I cannot tell, I can only communicate without thoughts. and she can only see on her own. But not in this world where everything is looking at the television show, when the real beauty and love is sitting next to them, if they are so lucky, on the couch, ignored, I am sure. Intense.

It does not get any worse than this, if you come along, You are comeing along for insanity, and what good will I do you why will you make me different. What is it I get from another person I cannot get from myself? I can give you something. Why does this make me feel better? Why is it important fo feel needed? I want it and yet everything prevents it.

Tell me it is only myself. Tell me it is only my perceptions tell me I am making some terrible mistake. IT is not me who is wrong it is you is it impossible to live in this world without illusion? That is so much of what we have, everyone creates it. Why can't you live as you really mean to live, what is the most meaningful state of the mind which has no physical needs?

So I am ready to go on, to play tennis, and to work quietly on change, so. Are there any other fanatics. Yes Kristen, I love you but I don't know what you want. I know what you want only you are not aware of it on this level, so I don't know what to do.

It is not me who is clueless and insane, it is every other individual.

I of course am institutionalized.

And how many times has this been said, and how many times has this been written, and what do you want to bet it will be written a thousand times, before, we with people, reform and embrace the institutions which give us freedom from choice.

Remember when you find that person who tolerates you and whom you love, that there are a million more who are lost and are always lost and show them that there are some things most important, not typing away alone in front of glowing screens, but giving what is meaningful to others.

And what is meaningful? Your fears, cry to me, dream to me. Go on like that. That is what I want from you, and share me your action, fight slowly for what it is.

The one who likes to question will.

lover you and good night.

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